Tag Archives: ptsd

Anger

It turns out I have a lot of repressed anger.  I generally have a very long fuse on my temper.  And I’ve always stuff my anger down inside me because I fear it.  I realized this last night, talking to my sweetheart.  It’s not that I fear I’ll get violent.  When I get angry all I can think about is the people who’ve abused me when they were angry, and it triggers me, so then I’m having flashbacks while being angry and it makes everything worse.  I get afraid I’ll become like them if I let myself feel rage.

My sweetheart has said for months that I’m afraid of my shadow self.  True.  I fear that I’m secretly a monster, and if I don’t repress my negative feelings I’ll become nothing but those feelings.  In many ways I fear losing control, scared that I’ll never be able to come back to myself afterwards.  Doesn’t matter if it’s letting go enough to orgasm (which still happens often), letting myself experience anger, just having a good cry…  If I start I won’t be able to stop.  That’s the fear.

I need to talk this out with my therapist next time I see her…