Tag Archives: love

On the nature of love

I have been deeply in love twice before, so deeply that I felt like the other person completed me.  And both times I was badly abused.  (The non-abusive ex-love was someone I decided was what I wanted at the time and decided to make him love me; I loved him, but not like that.)  Now that I’m older I don’t want that.  My sweetheart is not the Earth and I her moon, which is how I’ve felt twice before.  I’d rather be half of a binary star than just a mere satellite.

(She is a Thelemite, and Crowley wrote that “Every man and woman is a star.”  My metaphor extends into the spiritual as well as the emotional.)

When I lose myself in love, I accept all kinds of terrible treatment and allow myself to be manipulated.  I knew my ex-wife was abusive when I married her, but I loved her so much I was willing to overlook it.  It horrifies me to remember how I glibly wrote it off as the price of love.  I refuse to pay that price again.  I love my sweetheart, and she’s the most important person in my life outside of a few blood relatives.  I trust her far more than I’ve trusted past loves.  Yet I feel I keep a fraction of a distance between us, compared to past loves.  Just enough to not lose my identity to her.  I’m used to giving up my identity for love.  I don’t ever want to do that again.  Nor would she let me, which is one of the reasons I appreciate her so.  It’s strange to know that if she took advantage of me, I would probably stay anyway, but I trust that she won’t.

She is one of the most kind, loving, generous, trustworthy people I have ever met, and she makes me very happy.  She is everything I need in a significant other: someone who knows me even better than I know myself, who knows what I need and can give it to me.  The thing is, I’m not that for her.  Which I’m okay with, usually.  I’ve known ever since we got together that I can’t be everything she needs.  Sometimes I feel a little inadequate, but mostly I wish she could find someone who fulfills that role and is comfortable with polyamory.  Even better if the person and I could be friends, so we could all enjoy hanging out together.  It would make me happy to know that even when we’re apart she has someone to give her things she needs.

Her happiness is important to me, and I feel no sense of ownership towards her.  I’ve been in poly relationships before, and been happy to see my loves happy with others as long as I’m not neglected.  (I still remember being 18 years old and left alone in a new city on Thanksgiving Day so he could be with his girlfriend and her family.  If I had been with my family I wouldn’t have minded a bit, but I spent the afternoon alone at a Denny’s with my feelings hurt.  That’s neglect.  She wouldn’t do that.)  When my ex-wife’s lover lived with us, I was happy to have her there until things went south between them.  Sharing comes easily for me.

I’m totally rambling.  But I’m waiting for my iPhone to finish restoring all my data, so I have nothing to do but think.  (If I put my computer down and pick up a book, I won’t notice iTunes prompts.)

One of the ways I show love to people — friends, family, lovers — is to do nice things for them.  I love giving presents.  My first paycheck at my first after-school job as a teenager went to buy my mother a handmade wooden corner bookshelf she was admiring at a craft fair.  No occasion.  Just because she liked it.  (And she still owns it, too.  It’s in our living room.)  My sweetheart’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks.  I’ve always been very good at giving presents.  Example: One ex lived in New York for a number of years in his youth.  He desperately missed NYC bagels.  So for his birthday I paid a friend who lived there to buy a dozen bagels and overnight them to me.  My boyfriend was astonished and delighted.  (I ate one.  Not bad.)  I’m hoping my sweetheart likes the gift I’ve chosen for her.  All I can tell you is that it’s not bagels.  I’ll post after her birthday and tell you if I chose correctly.  Waiting the three weeks to give it to her is going to kill me, though.  Such exquisite torment….  Speaking of which, I need to finish my sister’s birthday present.  Hers is coming up too.

And my phone is finished!  I’m going to go sell my wedding dress at a consignment store.  We’ll see what I can get for it…

Bad blogger. No cookie.

I keep swearing I’ll do a better job of updating, but I never do…  Mostly I’m keeping a private journal these days, but some people actually read this blog, so here’s an update.

I’m still with my sweetheart, the woman I mentioned in this post.  It’s been 2.5 months now.  I’m in love with her, and have been for a while.  Weird, huh?  Here I was planning to never get involved with anyone for the rest of my life, and suddenly — love.  She makes me very happy.  I’m lucky she cares for me as much as I do her.

I still haven’t had the money to go back to school, so I’ve enrolled in a couple of Coursera classes.  Python Fundamentals (or something like that) and Mathematical Thinking.  I’m really just auditing the classes, because that’s free, but I’m committing to myself to do the work.  I’ve also started using online language software through the public library to work on my Spanish. My love is taking Spanish II this fall, but needs to brush up on Spanish I first.  So we’re doing it together.  Which is really nice.  She and I do all sorts of fun things together — art, hiking, traveling — and I’m excited to add “learning” to that list.

I’ve been iffy on my volunteer work lately.  I love it, and I want to be there every single week.  But.  I’ve been dealing with medication changes, and those never bode well for my mental stability.

It started with my Geodon addiction.  It’s not supposed to be addictive, but I was taking it three times a day and getting withdrawal symptoms from hell if I was even an hour late.  So I told my doctor I wanted off it.  I went into her office one day while in withdrawal.  It was unplanned, but she was horrified to see me like that and agreed to help me get off it.  So we started Abilify.  I’m going up on it every two weeks until I’m off the Geodon and am stable.  It’s… not easy.  Currently I’m at 5mg of Abilify in the mornings, and no longer take a morning Geodon.  Thursday we’ll go up a little more on Abilify and lose the second Geodon dose.  Which will make me weird for a couple of days.  It’s not an easy transition.  I’ve had stray hallucinations (minor ones, thankfully) and other little symptoms here and there.

And I quit smoking yesterday, so my poor brain is confused about that too.  Smoking is helpful for the schizophrenic brain, although it can cause the same lung damage as it would on a neurotypical.  The current theory is that it helps regulate dopamine in such a way as to help with focus.  Almost all schizophrenics smoke, for that reason.  (Although most people don’t know why it helps them feel better.  They just know it works.)  I wouldn’t quit, except I can’t afford to spend a couple hundred dollars a month on cigarettes…

I haven’t been exercising.  Or playing my cello.  Or drawing.  There’s only so many things I can do at once!  I am, however, knitting a lot.  I made my love a short-sleeved summer sweater, which she likes enough that she wore it to work the other day.  That made me feel really good, that I made something that wasn’t embarrassing to wear.  I mean, yes, I know I’m a good knitter, but it’s rare I make sweaters and it’s nice that they turn out that well.

I’ve also been weaving a lot.  I learned to do overshot on on my rigid heddle and started making weird wall hangings — overshot mixed with rows of leno lace, brooks bouquets, random designs… A friend has actually commissioned me to do one.  I started on it yesterday.  I should be finished within a couple of days.  Later today I need to go buy a few more dowels.  I’m painting them and using them to weigh down the hangings, because they’re made of fingering weight wool.  I’m thinking that for future ones I’m going to move up to DK weight.  10dpi instead of the 12 I’m doing now.  Then I can use my handspun, which is almost all sport/DK.  I have some cool ideas for future hangings.  They’re faster than tapestry, and I can grid out the overshot designs instead of having to freehand tapestry cartoons.  I’d like to sell some more.

I can’t believe I’m getting paid for my art.  And the hangings are art — I’m designing images for them.  It’s not like spinning that’s all about hand movements.  Yes, I’m a good fiber artist, but the textile art I’m doing feels like legit art.  It’s very satisfying.  I do want to get back to tapestry some, too.  I have one in progress that I haven’t touched in like a month.  I’m going to pick it back up when I get my commission done, while I wait until I can buy the DK warp yarns I need.

Speaking of money — I wish I could work.  Or magically win $3,000.  I need it.  Medical bills, mostly.  Still paying off my fucking root canals.  I hate being broke and not really being able to do anything about it…

First date

The Valkyrie went out on her first IRL date with her internet girlfriend today.  Hmmmm, I need a moniker for the girlfriend.  I think I’ll call her the Naiad.  Neither of them drive, V because of her disability and N because she doesn’t know how yet.  (We will be teaching her soon, though.)  So I chauffeured.  V and I picked her up (she lives an hour from us) and went to Panera Bread for lunch.  I sat on the other side of the restaurant to give them some privacy, which was fine with me.  I read my book and enjoyed my food.  Every so often I’d glance over to see them deep in conversation, big smiles on their faces, and it made me so happy.  The Naiad is really easy to get along with, and she gives good hugs, and I think the Valkyrie has good taste in partners (ahem).

Because we couldn’t go back to her place for reasons, we found a semi-secluded spot to park the car so they could make out.  This led to the hilarious yet very sexy scene in which I was in the front seat playing lookout while two pretty girls got to third base in the backseat.  Eventually there started to be people in the area, so they fixed their clothes and I drove around aimlessly for 45 minutes while they snuggled, made out, and cooed to each other.  It was so fucking adorable.  Sadly, she had to be home at a certain time, so when we dropped her off there was much kissing and angst over parting.

The Valkyrie has been on cloud nine all day, and to be honest I’ve been around cloud seven myself.  Seeing my girl so happy makes me happy, and the two of them together are sweet and sexy and it was really comfortable.  I didn’t think I’d be jealous, and I was relieved that there was no trace of it.  Just delight for the Valkyrie’s romantic bliss.  I’ve been poly since I was a teenager, but it’s never felt so right as it did today.

I have to go to her town for a meeting on Saturday morning.  I might be picking her up and bringing her home for the weekend, if she can get the scheduling right.  At any rate, I hope she can stay over soonish.  We have a guest apartment, and the lovebirds could use some alone time.  <3