Tag Archives: genderqueer

Energy is back!

Since my last post, I went back up on my Trintellix.  (Which used to be called Brintellix, but it sounded too much like some other drug — Brillenta, I think? — so they recently changed it.)  I am happy to report more energy and more Getting Shit Done.  In the last two days, anyway.  It’s a start.

I have a skirt.  It’s ankle-length and black.  My sister got it for me yesterday at Target, as I’ve had the weird urge to wear one lately.  I put it on with a black T-shirt and my purple Docs, and I didn’t feel even slightly feminine.  Gender-bendy as fuck, instead, which is exactly what I wanted.  I look transmasculine/androgynous even with the skirt on.  It’s lovely.  It really brings home my personal definition of genderqueer: my brain leans more towards female even though I feel gender dysphoria about my body and want it to be a cis male’s.  “Gender dysphoria” is a misnomer, really.  My gender is fine.  I am very happy with it.  It’s my body that’s wrong.  So shouldn’t it be called “sex dysphoria” instead?  At any rate, I want to paint my fingernails and toenails black sometime soon.  And buy some boxer briefs to wear under the skirt.  Thigh chafing hurts.

Hurricane Hermine: why didn’t they call it Hermione?  It would have been so much cooler that way.  Anyway, we lost power several times during the night, but it always came back on within ten minutes or so.  My mom’s room is in the back of the apartment, and mine at the front; our rooms are the same size, as are our windows, but the placement of the rooms meant she couldn’t hear anything but rain.  I, on the other hand, spent all night listening to howling winds try to break my window.  It wasn’t scary, just annoying because I was trying to sleep.  If it had been daytime I would have enjoyed the sounds, but by two in the morning I was ready to get out my isolation headphones.  (I wasn’t the only one listening to the storm.  Several of my local friends were also awake and posting on Facebook at that hour.)  We weren’t damaged, our cars weren’t damaged (despite being under a giant tree), and we didn’t even lose internet for very long.  A lot of locals got it worse; when I went to get my hair cut Saturday, there were women there talking about not having their power back until that morning.

And now, for some goth shopping: Joanns has these cool 16″ vulture skeletons and I want one so bad.  Or the owl ones, the owl ones are badass, but more expensive.  I don’t want them enough to pay $30-40 for one, but damn they’re cool.

Boneyard Vulture at Joanns

Oh fuck, just looked at their site, to get a pic to share, and their Halloween stuff is 40% off.  It can go next to the head-on-a-silver-platter, which still resides on my bedroom dresser.  That really was a good idea, I think.  Which reminds me, I still need wall art for my room.  I should probably get that instead of the vulture, but I can buy art posters all year round.  Ooh, they have a small tombstone for $4.  My dresser is going to look awesome.  My wallet always hates me in the fall, because ALL THE HALLOWEEN STUFF!!!

One other little DIY project I want to do is get a bendy black Halloween spider and make it a tiny bit of knitting-in-progress and bend the front legs so it looks like the spider’s knitting.  I’ll give it teeny needles and everything.  Maybe stick it on a black wreath for the front door.  Spiders spin, and mine will knit as well.  Maybe the knitting will be from that fake cobweb stuff?  Oooooh.

Oh oh oh — I can buy fake black roses this time of year, too.  Neeeeeed.  Okay, shutting up about Halloween goodies now.  But when Eris (my kleptomaniacal black kitty) starts walking around the house with a black rose in his teeth, I will totally be taking photos.  (And, if they’re any good, using them as profile pictures in my online haunts.)

Knitting: the green and black shirt continues, in off moments.  My main project is place mats for the dining table.  They are bright yellow, in a basic basketweave pattern.  When Mom and I moved into this apartment, most of her decorating stuff was blue and yellow so we stuck with it.  Happily, the paintings on the walls look like Tim Burton took drugs (happy ones) and painted them.  So at least a little of the living room is to my taste.

Spinning, weaving, and sewing: haven’t done any of it since the last post.

Cello: not since Monday or so.  As I said, I’ve only been feeling better for two days.  Mom just left for a party, though, so I’ll play while she’s gone.  I feel weird about playing with her here, because I feel like it has to be annoying to hear me play the same thing over and over.  Especially when it’s the same three or four notes over and over…

Okay, enough babbling.  I think I need to go buy a vulture skeleton now…

Being trans, three years on

Three years ago, as of last month, I realized I was not cisgender.  Genderqueer, I thought.  Being a woman never felt right to me.  I enjoyed getting called “sir” by cashiers and waiters, even when I was wearing skirts.  (I’m six feet tall and built like a cis guy except for my chest and vag.  Same body shape, broad shoulders, etc.)  I always figured I was a really butch lesbian except that I also liked guys.

While I am 100% certain I am not a woman, I still sometimes waffle over whether I’m a man or a non-binary person.  Maybe I am NB, and fluctuate between androgyny and masculinity.  I so frequently identify with women, but without feeling like I am one.  I don’t know.  Do other trans people get confused about exactly what they are?  The Valkyrie and the Naiad are both confident in their womanhood, even if they worry about their outward appearance and expression sometimes.  I like “he” as a pronoun, but every time someone refers to me as a man I feel a jolt of weirdness.  I dunno.  I know that whatever I am is fine and is okay to be, but I’d kind of like to have a gender identity of some kind.  Being confused all the time sucks.

Happy kittens and happy feet!

Kittens:  Eris is back to being his normal self.  He and Loki climbed all over me when I sat on the floor about an hour ago, and then Eris very vocally insisted on dinner.  Like I could deny a hungry invalid…  Ten minutes after I put the food out, the Valkyrie and I medicated him.  He took two doses of liquid meds, given with syringes.  He took them like a champ: annoyed but not really struggling.  He didn’t hide afterwards, and in fact wanted more petting before running off to play with his brother.

Feet: I wore the bigger pair of Docs around the house last night.  They were comfortable enough that I wore them to lunch today.  (I would only be walking from house to car, car to restaurant, back to car, back to house.)  They were still comfortable enough after lunch that I braved Target to buy new socks.  Had to walk allllll the way around a Super Target to get a couple of things besides socks, and they were very comfy.  I wore them a total of four hours, and only had to take them off because my socks were too thin around the tops of the boots and it was starting to get mildly uncomfortable.  I am very surprised and totally happy about this, especially given the responses to a post I made on my favorite forum about breaking in Docs.  I got some serious horror stories and figured I’d be shipping them back on Monday.  But no, I kept forgetting that I had them on, which is an excellent sign for footwear.

While I was in Target I got flagged down by an elderly woman.  “Sir? Sir!”  I stopped and turned around.  “Do you work here?”

“No.”

“Are you on break?”

“No, I don’t work here.”

“You don’t?”

“No.”

She sighed heavily. “Okay…”

I was assumed male twice today, actually, and once on the phone.  Since I think my voice is too girly I was pleased to be called Mr. LastName.  It was cool.

Update on “Gender is Confusing” post

The Valkyrie pointed out that I hadn’t communicated my pronoun wishes to her at the time I wrote this post.  So that’s straightened out and she’s using “them” for me.  Everyone else… meh.  As long as she does it, I’m okay.

And speaking of the “them” pronoun: My BFF’s teenage houseguest, M, is non-cis (probably genderfluid).  My sister remarked on Friday that she had never been able to picture me having a kid until she met M.  They and I were both quite flattered that Sis thought we’re that much alike.  :D

Gender is confusing.

I’ve figured out pretty much who I am in terms of gender.  I’m non-binary, somewhere between male and female.  But other people seem to really have a hard time with that, even my transgender wife.  I tried on the “male” gender and it didn’t fit properly, but people seem to have stuck with it.  For the record, I want my pronouns to be they/them/their.  I want to be referred to as a person, not a guy or girl.  Yeah, it’s slightly awkward for people used to just he and she.  But isn’t validating my feelings worth a little awkwardness?