Tag Archives: depression

I’m lump, I’m lump, I might be dead

My evil ex used to say that the Presidents of the USA song “Lump” was written about me. I hate that band so much as a result. And then my ex-wife used to make me listen to them, because she was a fan and said I needed to get over it. Ugh. 

But anyway. 

I have a confession to make. I have done pretty much nothing today. Sleeping lots, mostly. I just attempted to go Out and realized that if I did I’d stop for cigarettes. Because I can’t go to the coffee shop alone and not smoke. So I turned my car back around. At least I took out the trash while I was leaving the house. So I can say I accomplished something today. 

I do have plans in a bit — my psychiatrist, and then a knitting group I’ve been trying to talk myself into going to for like a year now. Even though it’s people I used to knit with all the time. I’m making myself go today, though. Even if I can only stay 20 minutes at least I’ll have tried. 

(I feel bad for my sweetheart, who is very social and can’t take me anywhere because groups of people make me so uncomfortable. The only friend of hers I’ve gotten to spend quiet time talking with, just the three of us, is awesome.  I warmed up to him pretty quickly and now count him as a friend. But if I’d met him at a party I would have never struck up a conversation. Social anxiety sucks donkey balls.)

Did I mention I’m depressed today, too? Not the kind where I want to hurt myself. Just the kind where I wanna disappear into Fantasyland or else sleep for the next year. Much healthier. It occurs to me that my psychiatrist might be pissed at me for quitting smoking during a med change. If she tells me not to quit for another few weeks, I’m going to do as she says. Even though I cringe at the thought of spending more money on smokes. 

Ugh. Going back to bed until it’s time to leave for the doctor. Can’t function…

Life update: a depression edition

When last I left off, I was about to head to the local mental health event.  I went, got there late, wound up not seeing anyone I knew except for one person I used to be friends with ages ago (and was very glad to see, and we’ll be hanging out some after I move).  So all that worry was for nothing.

Since then I’ve descended into a godawful depression, caused by school stress.  I got behind on my work, started freaking out about it, and that led to a vicious cycle that wound up with me hearing things: voices laughing and whispering about how I’d lost control, music that no one could hear but me, etc.  Plus panic attacks.  I saw my psychiatrist yesterday morning.  I went in telling her “I’m just stressed so there’s no need for anything but a refill on my meds,” but then she started asking questions about symptoms and I nearly started crying two different times because holy fuck, I’m more messed up than I thought I was.  She said she’d write a letter to my school disability office telling them I need an Incomplete for the term, so when I got home I emailed the office to say, “hey, I’m in crisis and my doctor will say so,” and they contacted my professor who agreed to give me the I.  You have no idea how relieved I was.  Am.  My sister, wonderful soul that she is, has been helping me get my research done for my term project and being extra-encouraging, despite having a full-time job and a family.  I don’t know what I did to deserve her.

So I’m taking this weekend to recover a little and work on packing boxes.  The movers are coming next Saturday to take our furniture over to the new apartment, so Mom and I have to bust our asses this week getting ready for them.  Mom’s lived in this house for 25 years, and we’re throwing out more stuff than we’re taking with us.  (I have very little here, but I’m helping her go through all her shit.)

I also need to get back in touch with the nonprofit director; I had warned him I had major school shit going on last week and this week, and now that I can breathe again I need to do some stuff with moving domains and registering a new one.

My niece is finding me super-useful as Knowledgeable Adult lately.  I’m not going to get into details, but she’s trying to find herself and I’m able to give advice about some things.  I’m also babysitting for my sister whenever she needs me, and generally I’m trying to be a good family member and help everyone as much as they’ve been helping me.  I’ve been saying ever since I got sick (17 years ago) that I’m lucky to have an excellent support network.  I’m glad I can give back some.

It’s 4:15 in the morning.  I’ve been awake all night.  Being crazy sucks.  Maybe I’ll try to get some homework done…

First thoughts on vaping

1) VaporFi does a pretty good approximation of a Camel cigarette.

2) I definitely no longer enjoy smoking.

3) I believe this will work quite well as a stopgap when I get depressed again.  If anything, it will remind me that I hate smoking without me inhaling any actual smoke.

So yeah, glad I bought it, and it will be useful in the future, but… ick.  Definitely not taking it up as a habit.


I’m not dead, I promise!

But I am just coming out of an extended, serious depression.  It started in April.  I didn’t get online for three months except to read fanfic.  (BBC Sherlock is my imaginary boyfriend.)  Hell, I didn’t even talk to my mother for two months, and she’s one of my two favorite people in the whole world (the other being the Valkyrie).  I was a wreck.  I started feeling a bit better a couple of weeks ago, but yesterday my doctor had me add Ritalin to my daily medication cocktail and I’ve actually gotten out of bed.  Better living through modern medicine!

So this post is going to be a rather long life update…

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I had high hopes…

I’m not doing any better.  Worse, actually.  The Monday before last I seriously contemplated checking myself into the hospital, I was so depressed.  I decided to try going for a walk. Turns out brisk daily 1+ mile walks help immensely.  But then I pinched a nerve in my shoulder and the muscle relaxers make me sleep too much dizzy and I’m back to feeling like crap.  Tomorrow I’m going to buy a cheap sling to keep my arm in, and go for a walk anyway.  I’m overdue on this week’s homework.  There are only two weeks left of the semester.  Can’t fail now, right?

Thanksgiving and after

I didn’t blog about Thanksgiving.  It was amazing.  The Valkyrie, the Naiad, my MIL, my mom, my sis, her husband and two kids,my BFF, BFF’s niece, MIL’s German friend, and the German friend’s son.  The son was an ass, but kept to himself.  The rest of us had a blast.  MIL cooked a bunch, and my mom, sis,and BFF all brought homemade food.  We had a dozen dishes plus five pies.  TONS of food.  We did it buffet style.  The only problem was that the dining room table wasn’t big enough for all of us, and the Valkyrie and the Naiad wound up alone at the kitchen table.  It made me sad, but then Awesome Niece went to join them, and other people started wandering over there once they were done eating.  At one point we were all in the living room carrying on, and then Mom, Sis, and I played a couple of hands of gin rummy (the game we used to play when Sis and I was children).  Nephew wanted to play a hand of Go Fish, so we did that too.  Can you believe I’d forgotten the rules?  But, then, I think I was nine the last time I played Go Fish.  So I think I can be forgiven.

The Naiad is here every weekend, now.  I enjoy going to pick her up.  I’ve been going alone because the cheapest (no tolls) way to get to her house is a bumpy road that would kill the Valkyrie’s back.  I don’t mind, though, because she and I get to chat for more than an hour each trip.  We’re becoming quite good friends, I think.  We have shared interests in psychology and writing instruments, and of course we have the Valkyrie in common.  Mostly we talk about trans stuff and books and psychology.  It’s awesome.  I picked her up last night and we talked mostly about HRT on the way home.  And neuroscience versus philosophy on the concept of mind.  And office supplies.  And how if I get my libido back on T we’re going to bang.  She’s awfully cute, and apparently likes oversized girly men.  Oh, myyyyy.

Because of the depression and accompanying apathy I’m 6 days late turning in my paper.  I’m trying really hard to give a fuck.  I’m hoping to finish it today so it’s not a whole week late.  Ever since I finished my last blog post I’ve been staring at my OpenOffice window, trying to figure out where to go next given what I’ve written so far.  It shouldn’t be hard.  I’m good at writing papers.  I once wrote an 8-page paper using dictation software while holding a sleeping cat, and I got an A on that.  Churning out a simple 3-6 page paper should be nothing.

My prof wants me to take my final class in person with her during the second spring semester, instead of taking it online in January.  I’m thinking about it.  Plus that would give me time to get on T and have my hysto.  I like the prof, and I really miss the classroom environment.  Online-only classes fucking suck.  I think my education has suffered because most of my 3rd and 4th year classes have been online.  I’ve learned a lot, but I prefer being in a classroom.

Okay, time to get back to my paper!

Going on HRT

I’ve been struggling with a deep and persistent depression as of late.   I have brief periods where I feel a little better, but mostly I don’t give a fuck about anything including myself.  I would quit taking my meds entirely if the Valkyrie didn’t make me.  I’ve given up.  I don’t care anymore.

My therapist and the Valkyrie think I should try a low dose of testosterone.  I’ve been resistant to the idea, but apparently low doses can be helpful for dealing with dysphoria (including dysphoria-caused depression) without me turning into Buck Angel.  Therapist has had some trans clients go on small doses to achieve androgyny, which appeals to me.  I’ve always wanted to be on the masculine side of androgynous in the way I look.  So maybe that could work.

If it doesn’t work, T only lasts 8 days in the body, so if I went off it I’d be back to my former self in a week.  So the risk isn’t too terrible.  I’m nervous as fuck, but it seems like a reasonable option and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little excited.

I wanted to make the appointment today, but the doctor’s office closes early on Fridays.  So I’ll call Monday morning.  I’ll actually be at her office Wednesday with the Valkyrie, so maybe I’ll ask her to just send in the prescription — we’d already done an HRT consultation a couple of months ago, and she should still have my therapist letter on file.  Wish me luck.

Not doing so well…

Last Thursday morning I added Latuda to my medication regime, as prescribed the previous day by my doctor.  Since then I’ve been sinking back into depression, and it’s unpleasant.  With a lot of psych meds the side effects go away after a couple of weeks, so I’m staying on it a little while longer to see if things improve.  Obviously I’m going to quit if I get suicidal!  But hopefully that won’t be an issue.

In addition, I seem to be developing a UTI, so tomorrow I’ll be going to the doctor.

I feel like shit and I’m avoiding my friends and it really blows.  I just want to feel normal again, or at least my version of normal.

In other news:

— Saturday I took my niece to our hometown’s Pride celebration.  Middle school lesbian drama is hilarious, I am sad to say.  Awesome Niece hugged a friend we ran into, and the friend’s girlfriend got jealous, and I did a really good job of not cracking up.  We had a good time, though.  I got the Valkyrie a trans pride bracelet a friend was selling at her booth.  After the celebration we stopped at a popsicle restaurant nearby.  They have dozens of flavors, many of which are pureed fruit bars.  I had a strawberry basil and it was amazing.  Then we met up with my mom for lunch at a little bistro.  Tempeh sandwich with granny apples, goat cheese, and spinach.  My hometown has the best food!

— I’m enrolled in school and will be meeting up with my professor on Friday to make plans.  I’m happy about this.

— I’ve started knitting a sweater for myself.  I deserve one.  Not sure if I’ll stick with the pattern I’m using, though.  It’s kind of annoying me.  Maybe I’ll make one to match the one I made a friend last winter.  I liked that pattern.

I hurt and I’m said and I’m going back to bed.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Not getting shit done

My to-do list is massive. :( And I haven’t done shit the last couple of days.  Between depression and still having trouble with bronchitis or whatever the fuck this is, I haven’t even wanted to leave the house.  I have left, but did not want to.  I’ve also been sleeping too much.  Sigh.

I did chat for a bit with two old friends on Facebook today, and I made a new friend via Tumblr.  And I joined a trans non-binary group.  So at least there’s that.

Tomorrow — okay, technically today at this point — I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I’m going to talk to her about the Invega making me put on 50 pounds in the last 10 months.  I’m not thrilled with changing my meds, but no matter how much effort I put into eating right I’m still steadily gaining weight.  I had lost 30 pounds when I first got on that medication.  This is not normal.  So wish me luck.

3am.  Bedtime, even though I’m not tired.  The babbies will wake me at 8:00, as always…

It never lasts, does it?

Sunday I did pretty well, emotionally.  Monday I started sinking.  Tuesday I spent a lot of time crying.  Today I could barely wake up, and when I was awake I was super-tense.  Fuck me.

I’m doing some cool weaving, though: that sampler for my sister.  I’ll post pics after I’ve given it to her Saturday.  I’ll have it finished tomorrow, and wet-finished in time for Saturday lunch.  It looks amazing and I may have to make myself one (different but similar).

I’ve been hanging out on a rigid heddle weaving forum, and some people got to talking about pin looms.  They were popular from the 30’s to the 60’s.  They’re very small looms, 4×4″ on average, and in 15 minutes you can make a square (or other shape).  Sew them together, and you can make just about anything.  When I heard about these my ears perked up, not just because it’s a way to weave on the go but also because a square takes about 8 yards and I have a lot of tiny skeins of handspun laying around.  Perfect!  I asked about handspun on a pin loom, and had a few people say it’s a great way to use up odds and ends.

The site I linked to above has several scans of vintage loom patterns and weaves.  You can do a lot of different types of weaves using weft floats, twill, and even ribbing of a sort.  So the squares don’t all have to be identical plain (tabby) weave.  There are some that look like right angles and wide straight bits, and I’d love to make a bunch of squares that look like a maze when put together.  the scanned booklets have given me lots of ideas.

So yes, a cheap pin loom will be arriving tomorrow.  It’ll give me another way to distract myself from my stupid fucking depression…