Tag Archives: bff

Love, friendship, scales, and sleep

The Valkyrie and I have been having some relationship problems.  I’m not sharing the details publicly, but we had a really good talk tonight and made some decisions about where to go from here.  We’re both committed to fixing things, so I’m confident that we can sort it out. We might do couples counseling if we can’t do it on our own, but the fact that we’re both willing to work on making things better says a lot. We had to do counseling once before, ten years ago, and it made a huge difference, so we’ll take that step if need be.  She means the world to me.  Wish us luck.

Remember my BFF that I stopped being friends with in January? Well, we’re BFFs again. Spent the afternoon hanging out and everything was perfectly cool and I am SO HAPPY.  We had chatted a bit on Facebook over the last few days and I spontaneously asked if I could drop by while I was running errands today. She said yes and there was SO MUCH HUGGING and it’s like we were never apart. I’m utterly delighted.

Last night I downloaded a music theory app that includes scale work, and I’m quite pleased about that.  Not only am I getting to memorize scales, but I can also do them on a digital cello fingerboard so I know roughly where the notes are.  Obviously it’s no replacement for my actual cello, but it’s teaching me (for example) that F on the C string is at the same spot as C on the G string, and that is very useful knowledge to have.  Doing the scales was a real mental workout.  It’s been a long time since I’ve learned something radically different, as opposed to extending knowledge on an existing topic.  I’m quite enjoying it!

I seem to be having a sleep problem this week. I have sleep apnea. Around 1pm every day I’m having to take a nap whether I want to or not. Twice this week it’s happened while I’ve been running errands and I have taken 40 minute naps the car in parking lots. It’s like I was before I got my CPAP machine 1.5 years ago, and that scares me a bit. Maybe I need more air pressure now? Maybe I’m taking my mask off in my sleep too often? No idea. But I kept it on all night last night (woke up with it still on) and I still napped in the mall parking lot. Bizarre. If it’s still going on by Monday I’ll make a doctor’s appointment.

I have a weird tender lump in my jaw. It wasn’t there when I went to bed last night.  BFF says pulled tendon. MIL says swollen lymph node. (Both are nurses.) If that’s not gone by Monday I’ll go to the doctor for that too.

Okay, enough babbling.  I have some bass clef sight reading to practice…

I’m not dead, I promise!

But I am just coming out of an extended, serious depression.  It started in April.  I didn’t get online for three months except to read fanfic.  (BBC Sherlock is my imaginary boyfriend.)  Hell, I didn’t even talk to my mother for two months, and she’s one of my two favorite people in the whole world (the other being the Valkyrie).  I was a wreck.  I started feeling a bit better a couple of weeks ago, but yesterday my doctor had me add Ritalin to my daily medication cocktail and I’ve actually gotten out of bed.  Better living through modern medicine!

So this post is going to be a rather long life update…

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Loopy post

I had to take a hydrocodone for my hip because I was walking around a lot today and my right hip hates me so much right now.  Fucking bursitis.  Do Not Want.  So I’m a bit out of it.

Speaking of hips, my BFF has a bad hip too, which leads into the next thing I wanted to post about: she and I are hanging out tomorrow afternoon and I’m very excited to see her and give her hugs and figure out WTF I did wrong and hopefully be okay again.  We’ve had some nice chats over SMS and it’s feeling back to normal.  So I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

Today I drove the Valkyrie to our gynecologist’s in Orlando.  An hour there and back, plus the waiting room and exam room, plus stopping by Sci-Fi City to get some magazines: pain.  This is why my hip hurts.  At least I can still spin without pain.  Which is good.  I’m a little over halfway done with my commission yarn.  It’s fun to spin, even if I feel like I’m on a deadline.  (Recipient wouldn’t get mad if it took me a while longer, but she bought me wool so I want to get her yarn ASAP.)

I also chain-plied part of the merino/silk blend I was working on last week, just to clear off the bobbin.  I need to wind it into a skein though, so no pictures yet.  Chain plying is not as awful as I remembered it being, and I spun the singles fine enough that the end result is about a worsted.  Sweet.  I can’t wait to see the skein.  It’ll knit up into stripes!

For my birthday I asked for four Lamy Al-Stars to round out my collection of the different colors they’ve come in over the last 10 years or so.  I already have like 7 or something.  I forget off the top of my head.  Check out the Pens page if you’re curious.  Which reminds me, I need to find the missing pen box.  I have like 5 that went missing when I last moved house.  Annoying.  Anyway, I feel bad about asking for the Lamys, because how ridiculous is it to collect a type of fountain pen, what a waste of money, but my family wants me to have physical gifts to open.  I asked MIL for a year’s subscription to Dropbox, since I pay them $10 a month right now, but she wants me to unwrap my presents.  So pens it is.  I feel wasteful, but it’ll be nice to have a full set of Al-Stars.  Worst case I can sell a few of my existing ones should I ever need extra money, as some of the ones I bought in 2006 have gone up in value.  (Not by much, but there have been points in my life where an extra $50 would have meant food for the week.)

I feel sort of guilty for living in a nice house, even if it’s my MIL’s.  Marrying into this family, I went from lower middle class to upper, and I feel guilty for not having to struggle anymore.  It sucks to have to have family support me.  I try to remind myself that I’m actively trying to get to where I can support myself by going back to school, and that for someone with schizophrenia I’m doing pretty well at working towards that goal, but I still feel guilty.  And I’m pretty much at the beck and call of MIL whenever she needs help or companionship or whatever, and being beholden to someone can suck sometimes.  She’s very nice to me and loves me like her own child, but sharing a house with her means less privacy.  At least we get along well, and at least my FIL doesn’t live here.  I’d rather live in a cardboard box than share a house with that abusive douchenozzle.  Asshole.

Anyway.  I’m going to go hang out with the Valkyrie and the Naiad.  Or maybe just fall asleep.  I don’t like it when medication makes me feel loopy.  Ugh.


BFF update, and productivity

Turns out I may have overreacted with the BFF situation.  From her perspective, she told me she needed some time by herself for… some reason.  Which I don’t know yet.  She was not, as I thought, telling me to get out of her life. When I was freaking out about it on Facebook and unfriended her there, she thought I was telling her to get out of my life.  While I am still upset that she won’t come out and tell me why she’s upset until we meet in person next week, I can see where I was a bit rash in thinking it was over.  Also, it sounds like there’s some other shit going on in her life right now that’s hard to deal with, so that plays a factor too.  I expect all to be revealed next week.

That conversation started with her texting me out of the blue, by the way.  I’m so very glad she did, and that we’ve started sorting things out.  She told me to try to relax.  I will try.

In other news, the housekeeping fairy sent her dustmop arrow into my heart this evening, and I cleaned like a motherfucker.  I am ashamed to admit how messy I’d been lately, so let’s just say that I accomplished a huge task I’d been putting off and then did a whole bunch of other little things, all of which contributed to my head being clearer.  Amazing how decluttering a room can declutter the mind a bit.  I feel like I actually accomplished something today, which has been rare lately.

I’m tired but not sleepy.  I think I’ll do some spinning and then go to bed.

I just don’t understand what I did wrong.

I keep thinking about my BFF, and wondering what I could have possibly done wrong.  I couldn’t have killed her cat, I never did anything but clean the litter box and feed them food from the right bag and/or cans (depending on cat).  She had left the toilet in her bathroom running when she left; I didn’t hear it when I was over there, as I had no reason to go in there, but because I hadn’t heard it I was prepared to pay for part of her water bill.  I don’t think I said anything bad, but if I did she should know me well enough to know I wasn’t being mean, just maybe thoughtless.  My MIL (who was also friends with BFF) thinks BFF was jealous of my friendship with the Naiad.  I don’t think BFF is that petty.  So what did I do wrong?  She’s never going to tell me, she’s never going to speak to me again, and it hurts so much I just burst into tears sometimes when I think about it.  We were so close.  I would have never hurt her on purpose.  I’m sorry, I’m repeating myself, I’m just in a lot of pain.  I miss her.

False alarm, I guess.

Never heard back from BFF after she said she wanted to get together.  Ex-BFF, I guess.  I don’t want to give up on her, but she seems to have given up on me.  Makes me really sad.  I still wonder what I did wrong.  I miss her so much…

Crying with relief

I thought my BFF was gone forever but I sent her an email a few minutes ago telling her I miss her because I can’t sleep and I was thinking about her, and I didn’t expect to get a reply but she replied immediately and I think she misses me too and we’re going to get together soonish and I am so happy I’m crying.  I don’t know if she’ll want to be friends anymore but at least we can talk about it and maybe work things out because she’s one of my favorite people in the whole world and I miss her so much it hurts.  So, fingers crossed.  And toes.  And everything else crossable.

State of the Alex

It’s been a few days since I posted an update about where my head’s at.  So here we are.  I was doing pretty well for a good stretch of time, but then yesterday I fucked it up by forgetting my meds.  Stupid.  I’m back to normal now, but there was a rough period.  In addition, my BFF is upset with me for reasons I don’t know, so I’ve spent rather a lot of time crying my eyes out wondering what I did wrong.  My appetite has been decreased, the same as it’s been since I started the Saphris, but last night and this afternoon there was quite a bit of chocolate because chocolate helps with emotional turmoil.  At least I’m not shoveling junk food in my face hole the way I was on the last two anti-psychotics.  No weight loss yet, but I expect to see some in the next couple of weeks.  Well, assuming my metabolism hasn’t slowed to a crawl.  Guess I’ll have to wait and see.  (Pun intended!)

Emotional upsets aside, my baseline state has been fairly calm, happy, and productive.  Hell, today I felt like shit from missing my meds, and I still knocked a bunch of tasks off my to-do list and planned my next weaving project.  I’m pleased about that.

Okay, time to do a little spinning.  But maybe dinner first…

Overhauling the upstairs

As I’ve mentioned, the Valkyrie and I share a house with her mother.  The upstairs is ours — den, bedroom, bathroom, and a “kitchen” (it just has a table, a microwave and a mini-fridge; no water or stove).  With the help of Honorary Niece, I’ve been cleaning like a mofo.

I get stuck in a vicious circle when it comes to cleaning.  When I’m depressed or otherwise mentally messed up, I am unable to clean.  Then, when I start feeling better, I get anxious about how messy things are and am so overwhelmed that I can’t fix it.  So the mess keeps growing and growing.  there weren’t dirty dishes or food trash laying around.  I take care of those.  But there was a lot of other trash, like mountains of soda boxes.  I am ashamed that things got that bad.  I’m admitting it here because maybe the shame will keep me from letting things get bad again.

I’ve been doing better mentally over the last several days, so I asked BFF if I could borrow Honorary Niece to give me a hand.  I couldn’t do it alone, so I thought maybe hiring HN (in return for some spending money) would be the way to go about things.  And boy was that a good idea.  HN is a strange girl who enjoys cleaning.  she also likes helping people out.  She would have done it for free, but there was no way I was going to do that to her.  I would have felt guilty as fuck for taking advantage of her good nature.

The cleaning began Sunday afternoon, and it continued today.  All the trash in the kitchen was thrown away.  She swept and mopped while I tackled the bookshelves in the hallway.  I’ve needed to get rid of 3/4 of my book collection for years, so I sorted through what I wanted to give away.  And then HN and I broke down a shitload of packing boxes that were cluttering up the back of the den.  Everything is mostly done and I am delighted.  HN’s part is done with; all that’s left is a little organizing I need to do on my own.  It looks beautiful.  We have a small table in the kitchen; now that the room looks nice I’m going to hang a couple of posters in there and make it look a little less sterile.  I had cleaned out the fridge a few days ago, and today I stocked it with little snacks like cottage cheese and sugar-free Jello.  It’s an actual, usable room again.  I also threw out a shitload of trash in the bedroom and vacuumed in there.

I’m proud of myself, and I’m especially proud of HN for cheerfully doing a great job.  She’s a wonderful kid, and I considered myself lucky to have her in my life even before she helped me this week.

Sunday night she, BFF, and I decided that once a week we will have a Cleaning Day.  We will alternate houses; one week we’ll clean BFF’s house, and the next week we’ll clean mine.  After we finish getting everything set up at both houses, it should only take an hour or two to whip everything into shape on the designated day.  BFF has problems with depression and cleaning too, and the three of us keeping each other company makes the work so much more pleasant.

I’m happy about all this.  And happy that I’m feeling well enough to have some initiative.  It’s a nice feeling.

Pardon my vanishing act…

Awesome Niece, age 11, came to visit for a few days, so I was mostly offline.  She came down for the Lindsey Stirling concert at the Hard Rock, Orlando Universal Citywalk.  Which was awesome, but I’ll get to that.

I met my sister on Wednesday the 2nd to pick up Awesome Niece, and Sis came down with Awesome Nephew on the 4th to hang out at my house all afternoon.  So it was a short visit, but we had a lot of fun.  BFF has a friend’s 16 year old kid, M, staying with her, and the five of us (including the Valkyrie) hung out a whole lot while Awesome Niece was here.  And then Thursday night was the Stirling show.

We got to Universal at 7:00.  The line to get in was long, and it’s rainy season here in Florida so we got soaked.  We didn’t much care, though!  Our seats were in the penultimate row of the balcony, but the venue was small enough that they were still excellent seats.

The opening act, AJR, were surprisingly good.  It’s three brothers who make music in their living room.  When they came onto the stage I didn’t expect to be impressed, because I had assumed they were roadies from the way they were dressed.  But as soon as they started playing… Damn they put on a good show.  The lyrics weren’t brilliant, but the energy was fantastic and they sounded great.

Half an hour later Lindsey came out and played for 90 minutes.  Great, great show.  She danced while playing and it was impressive.  I never expected to see a crowd screaming for a violinist, but she earned it.  Lindsey did an acoustic set in the middle of two regular sets.  She talked to the audience like we were friends.  She was adorable and we all loved her.  The lighting and stage effects were cool, too.

The crowd was interesting.  It ranged from Awesome Niece’s age to senior citizens.  In fact, the crowd seemed to skew older.  It surprised me. I mean, yeah, it’s Florida, but I wouldn’t have expected that many older fans.

The one other entertaining thing worth mentioning has nothing to do with the show.  There were a lot of cute lesbians there, and Awesome Niece and I did a bit of admiring.  It was weird and hilarious to be checking out girls with an 11-year-old, but they were all in their twenties so I didn’t feel too terrible about it.  (Awesome Niece has excellent taste, for the record.)

Anyway.  As I said, Sis came down Friday, BFF and M made quiches and we all had a splendid time.  I had taught M to spin, and they did that a whole bunch.  After Sis and her kids left, the remaining four of us hung out and played Saints Row 4 because M hadn’t had the chance to play yet.  Everyone was tired and I wound up going to bed about ten, after our guests had left.

Yesterday I did nothing but sleep and play with my weaving loom.  It was nice.  I love having company, but I was exhausted.  The Valkyrie isn’t feeling well because I forgot to pick up her pain pills and progesterone on Thursday, and the pharmacy is closed on weekends.  I feel awful about it.  I didn’t pick up my antidepressants, either, so I’m feeling weird myself.  Stupid of me.

Oh, kitten update: they sleep on top of us all the time.  Tomorrow we’ll let them out of the bedroom so they can have the whole upstairs to run around in, but first I have to hide my yarn and fiber…