I keep swearing I’ll do a better job of updating, but I never do… Mostly I’m keeping a private journal these days, but some people actually read this blog, so here’s an update.
I’m still with my sweetheart, the woman I mentioned in this post. It’s been 2.5 months now. I’m in love with her, and have been for a while. Weird, huh? Here I was planning to never get involved with anyone for the rest of my life, and suddenly — love. She makes me very happy. I’m lucky she cares for me as much as I do her.
I still haven’t had the money to go back to school, so I’ve enrolled in a couple of Coursera classes. Python Fundamentals (or something like that) and Mathematical Thinking. I’m really just auditing the classes, because that’s free, but I’m committing to myself to do the work. I’ve also started using online language software through the public library to work on my Spanish. My love is taking Spanish II this fall, but needs to brush up on Spanish I first. So we’re doing it together. Which is really nice. She and I do all sorts of fun things together — art, hiking, traveling — and I’m excited to add “learning” to that list.
I’ve been iffy on my volunteer work lately. I love it, and I want to be there every single week. But. I’ve been dealing with medication changes, and those never bode well for my mental stability.
It started with my Geodon addiction. It’s not supposed to be addictive, but I was taking it three times a day and getting withdrawal symptoms from hell if I was even an hour late. So I told my doctor I wanted off it. I went into her office one day while in withdrawal. It was unplanned, but she was horrified to see me like that and agreed to help me get off it. So we started Abilify. I’m going up on it every two weeks until I’m off the Geodon and am stable. It’s… not easy. Currently I’m at 5mg of Abilify in the mornings, and no longer take a morning Geodon. Thursday we’ll go up a little more on Abilify and lose the second Geodon dose. Which will make me weird for a couple of days. It’s not an easy transition. I’ve had stray hallucinations (minor ones, thankfully) and other little symptoms here and there.
And I quit smoking yesterday, so my poor brain is confused about that too. Smoking is helpful for the schizophrenic brain, although it can cause the same lung damage as it would on a neurotypical. The current theory is that it helps regulate dopamine in such a way as to help with focus. Almost all schizophrenics smoke, for that reason. (Although most people don’t know why it helps them feel better. They just know it works.) I wouldn’t quit, except I can’t afford to spend a couple hundred dollars a month on cigarettes…
I haven’t been exercising. Or playing my cello. Or drawing. There’s only so many things I can do at once! I am, however, knitting a lot. I made my love a short-sleeved summer sweater, which she likes enough that she wore it to work the other day. That made me feel really good, that I made something that wasn’t embarrassing to wear. I mean, yes, I know I’m a good knitter, but it’s rare I make sweaters and it’s nice that they turn out that well.
I’ve also been weaving a lot. I learned to do overshot on on my rigid heddle and started making weird wall hangings — overshot mixed with rows of leno lace, brooks bouquets, random designs… A friend has actually commissioned me to do one. I started on it yesterday. I should be finished within a couple of days. Later today I need to go buy a few more dowels. I’m painting them and using them to weigh down the hangings, because they’re made of fingering weight wool. I’m thinking that for future ones I’m going to move up to DK weight. 10dpi instead of the 12 I’m doing now. Then I can use my handspun, which is almost all sport/DK. I have some cool ideas for future hangings. They’re faster than tapestry, and I can grid out the overshot designs instead of having to freehand tapestry cartoons. I’d like to sell some more.
I can’t believe I’m getting paid for my art. And the hangings are art — I’m designing images for them. It’s not like spinning that’s all about hand movements. Yes, I’m a good fiber artist, but the textile art I’m doing feels like legit art. It’s very satisfying. I do want to get back to tapestry some, too. I have one in progress that I haven’t touched in like a month. I’m going to pick it back up when I get my commission done, while I wait until I can buy the DK warp yarns I need.
Speaking of money — I wish I could work. Or magically win $3,000. I need it. Medical bills, mostly. Still paying off my fucking root canals. I hate being broke and not really being able to do anything about it…