Category Archives: valkyrie

More of that anger

Shortly before I left my ex-wife, she was doing her usual thing if physically intimidating me until I started crying. This time I reached my hands out and just set my fists against her hips — she was standing in front of where I sat on the couch. I didn't hit her. I was just bracing myself for whatever she'd do next.

Next thing I knew she was acting traumatized and saying I was abusing her. Saying that because I no longer identified as a woman, I was a threat to her. (Note that her new circle of friends were constantly having a "who's the most damaged?" competition. I suppose she wanted to fit in.)

We talked after that. She said that she hadn't been abusing me all those years. She had just been angry and wanted to hurt me. I didn't say it, but I was flabbergasted. How could she not realize they were the same thing? I just said, "Oh, okay," and changed the subject.

What makes me really angry is that I'm sure she has told her friends that I was the abusive one. Simply because I'm not a woman, and because before I left she had developed a huge martyr complex. The only times I ever fought back was when she was already hurting me, and if I dared fight back she would get even angrier and retaliate. I'm sure I've somehow been turned into the awful one. Even though her own mother heard me crying and begging my ex to stop, repeatedly, back when we lived with her. Even though my local family and friends all witnessed the way I was being controlled. I'm the awful one.

My therapist still hasn't texted me. Gonna call her now…

I’m not dead, I promise!

But I am just coming out of an extended, serious depression.  It started in April.  I didn’t get online for three months except to read fanfic.  (BBC Sherlock is my imaginary boyfriend.)  Hell, I didn’t even talk to my mother for two months, and she’s one of my two favorite people in the whole world (the other being the Valkyrie).  I was a wreck.  I started feeling a bit better a couple of weeks ago, but yesterday my doctor had me add Ritalin to my daily medication cocktail and I’ve actually gotten out of bed.  Better living through modern medicine!

So this post is going to be a rather long life update…

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Life update (including the Against Me! concert)

Against Me! was amazing.  That was Thursday night in Orlando.  The Valkyrie and the Naiad got to meet Laura Jane Grace after the show, and they were over the moon about it.  The Valkyrie got Laura to autograph her Midori cover with a Sharpie.  It’s awesome.

Other stuff that’s been going on:

I’m not going to be able to have my hysterectomy this Wednesday.  I’m sick.  Breathing hurts, my sinuses hurt…  Yeah, no surgery.  I’ll schedule it for May or so, after my semester is over.

This last Wednesday I found out that the Valkyrie didn’t know she was triggering me for all these years.  We were both horrified that I’d never told her, that she’d never known.  Talking about it made everything better.  I’m so happy.

Thursday I had lunch with my former BFF.  She wants to be friends again, saying she’d never stopped being my friend.  She just needed time to heal from the death of her cat while she was away, and that seeing me reminded her of the cat.  She doesn’t seem to understand that she could have said that to me in one sentence way back when and we could have avoided everything that happened after.  She says she’s sorry for being an asshole about it, but… I dunno.  We’ll see what happens.

Friday I attended a seminar about dealing with compassion fatigue.  It was… okay.  Not as good as I’d hoped for, and the heteronormativity of the old white cis male presenter annoyed the fuck out of me.  (Seriously, for a laugh he had talking dolls that were supposed to be the perfect girlfriend and boyfriend.  The girl said shit like, “It’s okay that you left the toilet seat up, honey.  It makes it easier for me to clean.”  The boy said things like, “Can we go cuddle and just talk?”  It was offensive as fuck.)

Saturday I ran errands and then laid around the house a bunch because my hip hurt.

Today I drove up to my mom’s house (75 miles away) to do some stuff around her house for her.  I am very annoyed that my sister can’t drive the five minutes to Mom’s house to change a freaking light bulb.  We had a nice lunch, though, and I dug through a 13 year old box that I’d left behind when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up.  There was one of his sweatshirts in there.  Now I have long-sleeved shirts belonging to two dead exes.  (The other is a jacket given to me by a girlfriend around the time she was diagnosed with a brain tumor.)  It’s… weird.  Also in that box was a forgotten and unopened gift from a friend who killed himself about five years ago.  I haven’t opened it yet.  I’m not ready.

And that’s been my week.  I’ll probably go to bed early tonight, as the Valkyrie has physical therapy in the morning…

Rainy day that ended well

Yesterday I did nothing but finish plying the garnet merino, because in the morning I manhandled the Christmas tree into its box in the closet and pinched a nerve or something in the process.  I couldn’t move my left thumb, and I’m left-handed.  The plying didn’t require my thumb.  All other crafts did.  So I used heat and ice and rest, and I was back to normal by the end of the day.

Today… sucked.  A lot.  When I got up at 10:30 it had recently rained.  I took a shower and picked up subs for lunch.  We ate, the ladies finished getting ready, and off we went to see the Valkyrie’s pain doctor.

Getting treatment for pain management in Florida sucks because our state has had a lot of pill mills.  People who actual have chronic pain suffer more as a result of the draconian laws enacted to stop the mills.  Every month we go to her doctor’s, having to act almost subservient just to keep the doctor from changing prescriptions for no other reason than their whims, or else their fear of the DEA.  Last month V’s doctor reduced her main medication because she felt like it.  So today we had to beg for it back to the old level, because V has been in such pain that she screams just from rolling over in bed.  And it’s hard to ask for a higher dosage without fearing that they’ll think you’re “drug seeking” and some junkie.  It’s truly awful.

The Naiad hadn’t been to the doctor with us yet.  Before we left the house V and I had had… not an argument, exactly, but I was afraid of the doctor’s office denying her treatment over her being trans.  I’m still afraid of it.  So the Naiad was stressed about being trans herself, and then it was pouring rain so hard on the freeway that I could barely see in front of me.  V has PTSD from a car accident that happened on the same freeway during a storm, so she was having panic attacks even with the Ativan.  By the time we got to the doctor’s, everyone was tense and miserable, and then the physician’s assistant forgot to get one of V’s prescriptions signed before she left for the day.  So on the drive home we had no idea if the nurse would even get around to calling in the medication, which V needed todayif possible.

We stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home.  Ice cream isn’t a cure-all, but it certainly helps.

It all worked out.  I dropped off the girls and went to two pharmacies — our usual one, for V’s medication (which got called in on time, whew), and the compounding pharmacy, for my T.  Came home, ate a quick dinner, and went back out (still raining) to feed BFF’s cats.

I didn’t get to take my shoes off until after eight.  I put on my pajamas and have been knitting ever since.  While we were at the doctor’s for almost two hours, I finished a scarf from handspun:

Handspun one-row scarf, given to Z.

I showed the Naiad.  She said it was beautiful.  I handed it to her.  She was overcome by the squooshy merino softness.  Tentatively, she asked if she could rub her face on it, “if that wasn’t too weird.”  I had to laugh.  Sounds like every knitter I know.  I gave it to her.  She looks cute in it.

I started another Hitchhiker.

Pansy Hitchhiker, beginning

More handspun.  Should be pretty.

Right now I’m going to eat pizza, knit a little more, and then go to bed.  Tomorrow morning I’ll take my T for the first time.  And then go to the post office to mail a ginormous stack of packages (mostly handspun), and then go pick up my BFF from the airport.  she’s been gone a whole month and I miss her SO MUCH!

First weekend with the Naiad

The Naiad stayed all weekend.  It was really fun, the three of us just lounging around the den, playing video games and talking.  She’s very sweet.  Even MIL really likes her, and said so to my best friend (who usually gets the unvarnished truths and not the polite comments she gives me).  There were also a lot of sexytimes for the Valkyrie and Naiad, some of which was done in front of me (much to my delight).

I had a couple of small freakouts, but the Naiad was not phased in the slightest.  The Valkyrie got upset at something (for good reason) and again N was fine.  And V and I had a minor quibble and N was shocked that that’s the extent of V’s and my arguing.  She’s used to lots of screaming and drama.  It was kind of sad, how very grateful she is for every little kindness we show her.  I used to be like that, after four years with my abusive ex.  Poor girl.  She’s this weird combination of brassy no-nonsense intellectual who can tear apart any argument, and scared naive girl.  I just want to hug her forever.

Sexytimes!  The Naiad apparently fancies me a little.  I’m not sure what to do about it.  I can’t have sex without a shirt on because of dysphoria, and I’m not sure what I want to do with/to/for her.  So I’m happy just watching them play around, for now.  They’re very, very sexy together.  Two pretty trans girls, both of whom are very kinky and like showing off.  Oh, poor me, having to be around them.  Hahaha.  Although Saturday I felt like crap for a little while, and I fell asleep next to the two of them when they were getting it on.  Very sad.

I had to drive N home at 5:30 this morning.  I am so tired.  And I probably gained 5 pounds today because of that damn Russell Stover outlet I posted about earlier.  I want to sleep, but I still have to go back out to the pharmacy.  *yawn*

Second date!

I didn’t get much sleep because of driving the Naiad home at 5:30 this morning (*yawn*), and I was sick this weekend, but yesterday and this morning were awesome.  The Naiad spent the night in the guest apartment with the Valkyrie, although the three of us hung out a bunch too.  She is SO NICE.  And she’s coming out of an abusive relationship and is so timid and I want to scoop her up and save her from the universe.  And then shower her with presents because she has a beautiful smile and she deserves happiness.  She’s totes adorbs.  And I think she may be smarter than me, which is slightly intimidating but also makes her more interesting.  She has a razor-sharp wit and a scientific mind and I maybe have a little bit of a crush on her myself. *blush*

My MIL is a little confused about the whole thing.  She keeps asking me if I’m okay with it, and this morning I was all, “They’re just so CUTE together!” and she did the confused head tilt.  But she loves rescuing strays, be they people or kittens, and she wants the Naiad to be safe and happy, although she says that if the V&N relationship ever starts breaking my heart they’re dead women.  MIL is very protective of me and loves me like I’m her own, which is really sweet and I’m grateful for it.  But I suspect everything is going to work out well, considering that MIL is nagging her to get out of her current situation and come live with us immediately.  (The Naiad is remaining in her emotionally abusive ex’s home until January when the ex can afford child care, which is honorable but dangerous to N’s mental health.  She works from home, so she minds the kids before and after school.)

I have homework to do.  Later, internets!

First date

The Valkyrie went out on her first IRL date with her internet girlfriend today.  Hmmmm, I need a moniker for the girlfriend.  I think I’ll call her the Naiad.  Neither of them drive, V because of her disability and N because she doesn’t know how yet.  (We will be teaching her soon, though.)  So I chauffeured.  V and I picked her up (she lives an hour from us) and went to Panera Bread for lunch.  I sat on the other side of the restaurant to give them some privacy, which was fine with me.  I read my book and enjoyed my food.  Every so often I’d glance over to see them deep in conversation, big smiles on their faces, and it made me so happy.  The Naiad is really easy to get along with, and she gives good hugs, and I think the Valkyrie has good taste in partners (ahem).

Because we couldn’t go back to her place for reasons, we found a semi-secluded spot to park the car so they could make out.  This led to the hilarious yet very sexy scene in which I was in the front seat playing lookout while two pretty girls got to third base in the backseat.  Eventually there started to be people in the area, so they fixed their clothes and I drove around aimlessly for 45 minutes while they snuggled, made out, and cooed to each other.  It was so fucking adorable.  Sadly, she had to be home at a certain time, so when we dropped her off there was much kissing and angst over parting.

The Valkyrie has been on cloud nine all day, and to be honest I’ve been around cloud seven myself.  Seeing my girl so happy makes me happy, and the two of them together are sweet and sexy and it was really comfortable.  I didn’t think I’d be jealous, and I was relieved that there was no trace of it.  Just delight for the Valkyrie’s romantic bliss.  I’ve been poly since I was a teenager, but it’s never felt so right as it did today.

I have to go to her town for a meeting on Saturday morning.  I might be picking her up and bringing her home for the weekend, if she can get the scheduling right.  At any rate, I hope she can stay over soonish.  We have a guest apartment, and the lovebirds could use some alone time.  <3

The Valkyrie goes bionic

My darling dearest is a cyborg now.  Yesterday a surgeon implanted a spinal cord stimulator in the center of her back, with a rechargeable battery pack put under the skin above her right butt cheek.  She gets to spend this week healing, and then next Wednesday the doctor fires up the electronics and the Valkyrie becomes The Bionic Woman.  Woo!

I was very, very impressed with the hospital we were at.  Ocala Regional Medical in Ocala, FL.  Everyone was kind and seemed competent.  V was able to come out as trans to her nurses and everyone called her by her correct name, not her legal one.  The nursing techs put a fold-out bed in the private room so I could get some sleep last night.  Her surgeon and anesthesiologist knew what the fuck they were doing and gave her pain medication that actually worked.  (When she had surgery in March, the surgeon we were stuck with was a nice guy but knew fuck-all about medicating patients with chronic pain.  5mg of codeine just does not cut it for someone who’s spent the last 12 years on opioids.  V spent a lot of time screaming in pain that week.  Fucker.)  Hell, even the food was decent.  We were amazed and impressed, and we will definitely be writing a letter to the hospital to thank them for the excellent care.

Despite having an acceptably comfortable bed to lie on last night, I still only managed a couple of broken hours of sleep.  I have apnea, and I didn’t take my CPAP machine because I figured I’d be sleeping upright in a chair.  Between helping the Valkyrie, being in a strange place, and the apnea waking me up, I was exhausted by morning.  At this point I’m too tired to sleep.  We didn’t leave the hospital until 2pm.  I’m a zombie.

On the positive side, I got about 1.5 ounces of wool spun up on my mediumweight Snyder spindle.  It was very comforting to work on while V was in surgery, and I kept at it after we got to her room.  It was nice to Skype with friends, and watch videos on her iPad, and generally relax after what had been a tense day.  I had been worried she was going to die.  She was worried she’d wake up paralyzed to some degree.  But she came through with flying colors, and it was a relief to be up in her room with nothing to do but chill out and let her heal some.

Fingers crossed that everything will heal correctly, and that her cyborg implants will be successful!

Cyborg wife is a go!

Yesterday the psychologist cleared the Valkyrie for a spinal stimulator implant.  The session was just to make sure she’s mentally competent to make the decision and understands the procedure.  He was nice, and he said he’d get the paperwork over to the doctor’s office immediately.  So by Friday — after the office talks to the Valkyrie’s insurance to make sure she’s covered for this — we’ll have the appointment set up.  How cool is that?

Happy Valkyrie news, and kitten update

Wheels have been set in motion to get the Valkyrie a spinal stimulator implant, which might cut her pain levels in half.  FUCK YEAH.  First appointment in the procedure, a psych eval to make sure she’s competent to make the decision and operate the implant, is on the 11th!  From there she does a trial period of a few days, and if it works she’ll have surgery to put in the real thing.  I really, really, really hope this works.

We also went to the walk-in clinic.  She has an ear infection.  Yay for antibiotics.

Kitten news!  It’s time to clip the babbies’ claws.  They’re getting big and strong and their claws are tiny razors and they like to grab my feet while I’m sleeping.  OW.

Almost dinner time.  Hungry!