Blog throwback to this post from 2014. I’m still this bad about cleaning, although my personal hygiene has improved considerably. At least I’m no longer dealing with my ex-wife’s hoarding tendencies on top of it. I cleaned my room this afternoon and it’s sad how proud I am of it, considering that normal people can pick up after themselves with no problem. I’m going to pay my teenage nephew to clean my bathroom. It frightens me and I want to break down sobbing every time I think too hard about how awful it is…
First night in the new place! I was asleep before 10pm and then woke up at midnight starving and so sore I could barely move. So I found some crackers in the pantry and took a hydrocodone I had left over from an injury this last spring.
The new apartment is brilliant. Open, airy, light… The last place we lived was a dump, which wasn’t Mom’s fault. Like, the landlord had somebody come in to fix the plumbing. Plumber left four holes in the bathroom wall, and they never fixed it. They let Mom live with a broken bedroom window for three months before they bothered fixing it. It was fucking awful. So this is worlds better. And I don’t have to share my personal space with anyone. After 11 years of marriage, and then three months of living in Mom’s storage room, this is HUGE. I also have my own bathroom, which I have decorated myself!
Right now I’m sitting up in bed with my laptop. I don’t have to worry about waking Mom up because the guest bedroom is between us so she can’t hear what I’m doing. (If I closed my bedroom door I could even play my cello without waking her, but I want to get her to stand outside my bedroom window tomorrow and tell me if she can hear me play from outside, so that I don’t accidentally piss off the neighbors. At least we’re in an end unit so I don’t share a wall with anyone.)
Half a mile north of me is a large shopping complex. On days when it’s not too hot I can walk there and have an iced coffee at Starbucks. There’s a frozen yogurt place right there too, and a nice public park behind the shopping center. The library is less than a mile off, as is my psychiatrist’s office. Oh, and my primary care doctor is less than a quarter mile from me, so I can walk there too. There’s a communal bike rack just outside my back door, and when I get my bike from my ex’s I can ride to all sorts of places from here. Since I may not have a car come January, these are good things. Oh! And the city just started a bus line down the main road, and there’s a stop at the entrance to my apartment complex.
The babbies are settling in nicely. Catching them this morning before the movers showed up was easy — jumped trapped them in my old bedroom and loaded them into the carriers. They weren’t happy but they didn’t freak out. I brought them to the new place and shut them in my bathroom with their litter box and water fountain. Left them there until the movers had finished bringing everything in around 11am. The first few hours they were freaked out, especially Eris, but as of about 6pm they were fine, and right now they’re running around the apartment like they’ve lived here for years. They’re chasing each other right now, and I heard a stack of empty boxes fall over a few minutes ago. Yeah, the babbies are fine.
We have a guest room! Currently it’s about a quarter full of boxes that can be slowly unpacked. When I get my stuff from my ex I’ll be storing some bins of yarn and wool in there. I have six of those clear plastic 3-drawer bins from the craft store. Two will go in my bedroom under the window, and the rest in the guest room. It’s large enough that it won’t look cluttered.
Let’s see… I ordered a cheap chest of drawers and a nightstand from Target online. Starting in November I can keep my cello case in the closet because my lessons will be here at my house, so my cello can happily live on its little stand in my room. I’ve asked for a stand for my rigid heddle loom for Christmas; it will let me angle the loom so it can be stored in the corner by my desk completely vertical (and covered with a quilt so the cats can’t play with it). I have my Mom’s antique rolltop desk in the corner. I’ve wanted it for decades, and when I mentioned it to Mom she said, “Oh, you should have told me you wanted it! I would have given it to you then!” I’m glad I didn’t get it until now, though. I wouldn’t have had a place to put it, before. It needs to be refinished, but I can do that at my own pace. (Also I’m not sure how to take the varnish off the creases in the roll top itself. Maybe I should let a pro do it next year.)
In sum, I am very happy with the move. (You may have noticed, if you’re still reading this.) The only downside is having to go back to the old house and sort out some small shit over the next few days. We had the movers put a lot of furniture on the curb for the garbage collectors, but there’s a lot of little stuff that needs to be thrown out or taken to the thrift shop before next Saturday.
Oh, and here’s a picture of the best part of my room. Once I get the new chest of drawers and nightstand I can finish unpacking the last few boxes, at which point I’ll post pictures of the whole room.
Something else I’ll be getting from my ex’s: all my framed art to hang on my walls! Yay! And then it will be perfect. Love.
But I am just coming out of an extended, serious depression. It started in April. I didn’t get online for three months except to read fanfic. (BBC Sherlock is my imaginary boyfriend.) Hell, I didn’t even talk to my mother for two months, and she’s one of my two favorite people in the whole world (the other being the Valkyrie). I was a wreck. I started feeling a bit better a couple of weeks ago, but yesterday my doctor had me add Ritalin to my daily medication cocktail and I’ve actually gotten out of bed. Better living through modern medicine!
So this post is going to be a rather long life update…
Turns out I may have overreacted with the BFF situation. From her perspective, she told me she needed some time by herself for… some reason. Which I don’t know yet. She was not, as I thought, telling me to get out of her life. When I was freaking out about it on Facebook and unfriended her there, she thought I was telling her to get out of my life. While I am still upset that she won’t come out and tell me why she’s upset until we meet in person next week, I can see where I was a bit rash in thinking it was over. Also, it sounds like there’s some other shit going on in her life right now that’s hard to deal with, so that plays a factor too. I expect all to be revealed next week.
That conversation started with her texting me out of the blue, by the way. I’m so very glad she did, and that we’ve started sorting things out. She told me to try to relax. I will try.
In other news, the housekeeping fairy sent her dustmop arrow into my heart this evening, and I cleaned like a motherfucker. I am ashamed to admit how messy I’d been lately, so let’s just say that I accomplished a huge task I’d been putting off and then did a whole bunch of other little things, all of which contributed to my head being clearer. Amazing how decluttering a room can declutter the mind a bit. I feel like I actually accomplished something today, which has been rare lately.
I’m tired but not sleepy. I think I’ll do some spinning and then go to bed.
Today I met with the surgeon who will perform my hysterectomy. It’s scheduled for February 25th. Is it weird that I’m looking forward to it?
I was amazed by how nice his staff was, and how unfazed they were that I’m trans. They just accepted it and acted like it was no big thing. It was awesome. The main reason I’m getting the surgery is because my uterus hates me, not for gender dysphoria. But it was nice to be treated like a normal person. I’m quite pleased.
After the appointment I went to the credit union to get my legal name change petition notarized. I finally picked a middle name, and I want my new name on my diploma when I graduate this May. Then I went to GameStop (for Dying Light, which is awful so far), Staples (to send a package UPS), Walgreens, and the post office. Because of all the driving and moving around and stuff, my knee and hip are really hating me tonight. But I got a lot of shit done, and that makes me happy.
Tomorrow I will go to the courthouse to file my name change forms. Yay!
As I’ve mentioned, the Valkyrie and I share a house with her mother. The upstairs is ours — den, bedroom, bathroom, and a “kitchen” (it just has a table, a microwave and a mini-fridge; no water or stove). With the help of Honorary Niece, I’ve been cleaning like a mofo.
I get stuck in a vicious circle when it comes to cleaning. When I’m depressed or otherwise mentally messed up, I am unable to clean. Then, when I start feeling better, I get anxious about how messy things are and am so overwhelmed that I can’t fix it. So the mess keeps growing and growing. there weren’t dirty dishes or food trash laying around. I take care of those. But there was a lot of other trash, like mountains of soda boxes. I am ashamed that things got that bad. I’m admitting it here because maybe the shame will keep me from letting things get bad again.
I’ve been doing better mentally over the last several days, so I asked BFF if I could borrow Honorary Niece to give me a hand. I couldn’t do it alone, so I thought maybe hiring HN (in return for some spending money) would be the way to go about things. And boy was that a good idea. HN is a strange girl who enjoys cleaning. she also likes helping people out. She would have done it for free, but there was no way I was going to do that to her. I would have felt guilty as fuck for taking advantage of her good nature.
The cleaning began Sunday afternoon, and it continued today. All the trash in the kitchen was thrown away. She swept and mopped while I tackled the bookshelves in the hallway. I’ve needed to get rid of 3/4 of my book collection for years, so I sorted through what I wanted to give away. And then HN and I broke down a shitload of packing boxes that were cluttering up the back of the den. Everything is mostly done and I am delighted. HN’s part is done with; all that’s left is a little organizing I need to do on my own. It looks beautiful. We have a small table in the kitchen; now that the room looks nice I’m going to hang a couple of posters in there and make it look a little less sterile. I had cleaned out the fridge a few days ago, and today I stocked it with little snacks like cottage cheese and sugar-free Jello. It’s an actual, usable room again. I also threw out a shitload of trash in the bedroom and vacuumed in there.
I’m proud of myself, and I’m especially proud of HN for cheerfully doing a great job. She’s a wonderful kid, and I considered myself lucky to have her in my life even before she helped me this week.
Sunday night she, BFF, and I decided that once a week we will have a Cleaning Day. We will alternate houses; one week we’ll clean BFF’s house, and the next week we’ll clean mine. After we finish getting everything set up at both houses, it should only take an hour or two to whip everything into shape on the designated day. BFF has problems with depression and cleaning too, and the three of us keeping each other company makes the work so much more pleasant.
I’m happy about all this. And happy that I’m feeling well enough to have some initiative. It’s a nice feeling.