When last I left off, I was about to head to the local mental health event. I went, got there late, wound up not seeing anyone I knew except for one person I used to be friends with ages ago (and was very glad to see, and we’ll be hanging out some after I move). So all that worry was for nothing.
Since then I’ve descended into a godawful depression, caused by school stress. I got behind on my work, started freaking out about it, and that led to a vicious cycle that wound up with me hearing things: voices laughing and whispering about how I’d lost control, music that no one could hear but me, etc. Plus panic attacks. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday morning. I went in telling her “I’m just stressed so there’s no need for anything but a refill on my meds,” but then she started asking questions about symptoms and I nearly started crying two different times because holy fuck, I’m more messed up than I thought I was. She said she’d write a letter to my school disability office telling them I need an Incomplete for the term, so when I got home I emailed the office to say, “hey, I’m in crisis and my doctor will say so,” and they contacted my professor who agreed to give me the I. You have no idea how relieved I was. Am. My sister, wonderful soul that she is, has been helping me get my research done for my term project and being extra-encouraging, despite having a full-time job and a family. I don’t know what I did to deserve her.
So I’m taking this weekend to recover a little and work on packing boxes. The movers are coming next Saturday to take our furniture over to the new apartment, so Mom and I have to bust our asses this week getting ready for them. Mom’s lived in this house for 25 years, and we’re throwing out more stuff than we’re taking with us. (I have very little here, but I’m helping her go through all her shit.)
I also need to get back in touch with the nonprofit director; I had warned him I had major school shit going on last week and this week, and now that I can breathe again I need to do some stuff with moving domains and registering a new one.
My niece is finding me super-useful as Knowledgeable Adult lately. I’m not going to get into details, but she’s trying to find herself and I’m able to give advice about some things. I’m also babysitting for my sister whenever she needs me, and generally I’m trying to be a good family member and help everyone as much as they’ve been helping me. I’ve been saying ever since I got sick (17 years ago) that I’m lucky to have an excellent support network. I’m glad I can give back some.
It’s 4:15 in the morning. I’ve been awake all night. Being crazy sucks. Maybe I’ll try to get some homework done…