Author Archives: Grayson

More of that anger

Shortly before I left my ex-wife, she was doing her usual thing if physically intimidating me until I started crying. This time I reached my hands out and just set my fists against her hips — she was standing in front of where I sat on the couch. I didn't hit her. I was just bracing myself for whatever she'd do next.

Next thing I knew she was acting traumatized and saying I was abusing her. Saying that because I no longer identified as a woman, I was a threat to her. (Note that her new circle of friends were constantly having a "who's the most damaged?" competition. I suppose she wanted to fit in.)

We talked after that. She said that she hadn't been abusing me all those years. She had just been angry and wanted to hurt me. I didn't say it, but I was flabbergasted. How could she not realize they were the same thing? I just said, "Oh, okay," and changed the subject.

What makes me really angry is that I'm sure she has told her friends that I was the abusive one. Simply because I'm not a woman, and because before I left she had developed a huge martyr complex. The only times I ever fought back was when she was already hurting me, and if I dared fight back she would get even angrier and retaliate. I'm sure I've somehow been turned into the awful one. Even though her own mother heard me crying and begging my ex to stop, repeatedly, back when we lived with her. Even though my local family and friends all witnessed the way I was being controlled. I'm the awful one.

My therapist still hasn't texted me. Gonna call her now…

Anger

It turns out I have a lot of repressed anger.  I generally have a very long fuse on my temper.  And I’ve always stuff my anger down inside me because I fear it.  I realized this last night, talking to my sweetheart.  It’s not that I fear I’ll get violent.  When I get angry all I can think about is the people who’ve abused me when they were angry, and it triggers me, so then I’m having flashbacks while being angry and it makes everything worse.  I get afraid I’ll become like them if I let myself feel rage.

My sweetheart has said for months that I’m afraid of my shadow self.  True.  I fear that I’m secretly a monster, and if I don’t repress my negative feelings I’ll become nothing but those feelings.  In many ways I fear losing control, scared that I’ll never be able to come back to myself afterwards.  Doesn’t matter if it’s letting go enough to orgasm (which still happens often), letting myself experience anger, just having a good cry…  If I start I won’t be able to stop.  That’s the fear.

I need to talk this out with my therapist next time I see her…

On the nature of love

I have been deeply in love twice before, so deeply that I felt like the other person completed me.  And both times I was badly abused.  (The non-abusive ex-love was someone I decided was what I wanted at the time and decided to make him love me; I loved him, but not like that.)  Now that I’m older I don’t want that.  My sweetheart is not the Earth and I her moon, which is how I’ve felt twice before.  I’d rather be half of a binary star than just a mere satellite.

(She is a Thelemite, and Crowley wrote that “Every man and woman is a star.”  My metaphor extends into the spiritual as well as the emotional.)

When I lose myself in love, I accept all kinds of terrible treatment and allow myself to be manipulated.  I knew my ex-wife was abusive when I married her, but I loved her so much I was willing to overlook it.  It horrifies me to remember how I glibly wrote it off as the price of love.  I refuse to pay that price again.  I love my sweetheart, and she’s the most important person in my life outside of a few blood relatives.  I trust her far more than I’ve trusted past loves.  Yet I feel I keep a fraction of a distance between us, compared to past loves.  Just enough to not lose my identity to her.  I’m used to giving up my identity for love.  I don’t ever want to do that again.  Nor would she let me, which is one of the reasons I appreciate her so.  It’s strange to know that if she took advantage of me, I would probably stay anyway, but I trust that she won’t.

She is one of the most kind, loving, generous, trustworthy people I have ever met, and she makes me very happy.  She is everything I need in a significant other: someone who knows me even better than I know myself, who knows what I need and can give it to me.  The thing is, I’m not that for her.  Which I’m okay with, usually.  I’ve known ever since we got together that I can’t be everything she needs.  Sometimes I feel a little inadequate, but mostly I wish she could find someone who fulfills that role and is comfortable with polyamory.  Even better if the person and I could be friends, so we could all enjoy hanging out together.  It would make me happy to know that even when we’re apart she has someone to give her things she needs.

Her happiness is important to me, and I feel no sense of ownership towards her.  I’ve been in poly relationships before, and been happy to see my loves happy with others as long as I’m not neglected.  (I still remember being 18 years old and left alone in a new city on Thanksgiving Day so he could be with his girlfriend and her family.  If I had been with my family I wouldn’t have minded a bit, but I spent the afternoon alone at a Denny’s with my feelings hurt.  That’s neglect.  She wouldn’t do that.)  When my ex-wife’s lover lived with us, I was happy to have her there until things went south between them.  Sharing comes easily for me.

I’m totally rambling.  But I’m waiting for my iPhone to finish restoring all my data, so I have nothing to do but think.  (If I put my computer down and pick up a book, I won’t notice iTunes prompts.)

One of the ways I show love to people — friends, family, lovers — is to do nice things for them.  I love giving presents.  My first paycheck at my first after-school job as a teenager went to buy my mother a handmade wooden corner bookshelf she was admiring at a craft fair.  No occasion.  Just because she liked it.  (And she still owns it, too.  It’s in our living room.)  My sweetheart’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks.  I’ve always been very good at giving presents.  Example: One ex lived in New York for a number of years in his youth.  He desperately missed NYC bagels.  So for his birthday I paid a friend who lived there to buy a dozen bagels and overnight them to me.  My boyfriend was astonished and delighted.  (I ate one.  Not bad.)  I’m hoping my sweetheart likes the gift I’ve chosen for her.  All I can tell you is that it’s not bagels.  I’ll post after her birthday and tell you if I chose correctly.  Waiting the three weeks to give it to her is going to kill me, though.  Such exquisite torment….  Speaking of which, I need to finish my sister’s birthday present.  Hers is coming up too.

And my phone is finished!  I’m going to go sell my wedding dress at a consignment store.  We’ll see what I can get for it…

Definitely feeling better.

Since I went off the Geodon, I’ve signed up for a math class at the community college (for fun; I’ve always wanted to learn calculus and never got the chance) and submitted my resume to a local temp agency in hopes of finding a part-time job.  If I wind up having to withdraw from the class, or I get fired, it’s okay.  It’s trying that’s the important part.

Admittedly, the main reason for job-hunting is my teeth.  I need $2400 in dental work, and am still paying off $2700 from earlier this year.  Why Medicare doesn’t cover dental is beyond me…  It’ll still take a while to get the money saved up.  I’m only allowed to make $700 a month, and Social Security takes half of that because I’m on disability. But it’ll still be a little extra every month towards dental stuff.  And it’ll be a job, because working will make me feel useful.

Ideally I’d like to work at the library, but their part-time jobs are 20 hours a week and that’s too much for me to handle.  So I’m looking for back-office clerical work: data entry, filing, etc.  Wish me luck!

Overshot

I have recently discovered overshot weaving.  Overshot is a technique where you create images and designs on woven cloth by having some of the yarn go over the top of the fabric. Look down at the wall hanging below. See the cats at the top, the wave in the middle, and the chaostars on bottom? Those were done with overshot.

(The rest of the piece is various weaving techniques such as leno lace, Brooks bouquets, and Danish medallions.)

I’m doing this with a pick-up stick on a rigid heddle loom, and it’s quite easy as long as I design my pattern on a grid beforehand. I’m using StitchSketch on my iPad for that. There’s a lightweight free version, but I’m using it so much I bought the full version. It’s not as robust as a desktop app, but far more portable.

The above wall hanging was my first attempt at overshot and some of the other techniques. I’m getting much better. I’ve done a second wall hanging, which was a commission by a friend. (I can’t show it to you right now, as she hasn’t received it yet and wants it to be a surprise.). I’m working on a third one now, for my sweetheart. It’s more complicated, now that I have some idea what I’m doing. I charted some prehistoric border patterns and some images that mean things to her. I’m doing the entire piece in just overshot, no other techniques.

I enjoy tapestry, but it’s too freeform for my current skill set. Overshot images let me “draw”, but the restrictions of working on a grid somehow make it much easier for me. The piece I’m working on now only has two colors, red on a black background , but I intend to try adding a third color to my next piece.

Overshot is an ancient technique. There are existing fragments of cloth featuring it from many thousands of years ago, well before the advent of writing. Overshot designs were copied onto vases in Ancient Greece; we know this because there are stylistic elements that are part of this weaving technique that are put there to secure the yarn, and those elements show up on early pottery.

The way I’m weaving used a modern loom, but it’s the oldest way of doing overshot — pick up the warp threads by hand, then weave a plain row on top. Fancy looms let you do most of the work with multiple shafts. I like the connection to the ancient method, although I’m not willing to build a prehistoric loom to get really authentic. I do appreciate modern technology!

Anyway, I’ll post the other two pieces, once the commission reaches its owner and I finish the current project. I’m having a lot of fun, and if you own a rigid heddle loom I suggest trying overshot. There’s a three part series on YouTube that comes up if you search for “overshot rigid heddle.” The lady is making Christmas trees. I’ll try to remember to link it later, as I’m on my phone right now…

Sexuality

I’m not going into explicit details.  Sorry.

Another blog flashback, to the end of 2015.  I thought I was possibly asexual, as I was always anorgasmic with partners.  Back then I wrote this about sex:

 I… don’t want any.  At least, not the kind involving a partner.  My libido is higher than it was when I was married, but if my sex toys make me this happy I don’t want to bother with anyone else.  At least, not right now.  Someday (hopefully very very far in the future) I imagine I’ll have feelings for someone and want to share my body with them, but sex for the sake of sex?  Toys.  Hands down.  I don’t know how to have sex with a partner where I don’t feel I have to perform, even with people I’ve enjoyed sleeping with.  And, frankly, I’m not interested in learning right now.  I’m enjoying being self-contained.  (Well, I’m dependent on vibrating things, but you know what I mean.)  Also, I have a very active fantasy life, and fantasy is always better than reality.  For one thing, I get to have the body I want.  Including a fully functional, working cock.  That’s not going to happen in my lifetime.

It turns out I needed the right partner.  When my sweetheart and I first got involved, it was solely a BDSM relationship.  Then it turned into a sexual one.  Then, finally, an emotional one.  We liked each other as friends immediately, but it turned into feelings, which startled the hell out of both of us.  (I found it a little disturbing at first, actually, having not wanted a relationship.  But she’s so worth it.)

So I can say I’ve now had a sexual relationship that was, at least in the beginning, purely for the sake of sex (and kink; the two have always gone together for me).  And it’s amazing what can happen with a partner I trust.  I don’t come every time, but I do orgasm with her.  Fairly often!  And we do a lot of… things.  And are planning even more… things.  When I fantasize it’s about doing things with her.  (Okay, I’m the submissive, so mostly I’m imagining her doing things to me.)  She is remarkably good at making my fantasies come true, too.  Even the really kinky ones.

So yeah, I was wrong about being able to completely give in to pleasure with a partner.  It just took finding the right one.  I’m amazed that I feel this sexual with her.  Like my old self but better, and wanting things for the right reasons.  I’m so glad to have been wrong…

Oh, and I meant to add:  I’ve gotten more comfortable with my body, too.  I still have the wrong one, and I still get dysphoric, but I’m more accepting of what I have.  It’s a nice feeling.

Still a slob, sadly.

Blog throwback to this post from 2014. I’m still this bad about cleaning, although my personal hygiene has improved considerably. At least I’m no longer dealing with my ex-wife’s hoarding tendencies on top of it. I cleaned my room this afternoon and it’s sad how proud I am of it, considering that normal people can pick up after themselves with no problem. I’m going to pay my teenage nephew to clean my bathroom. It frightens me and I want to break down sobbing every time I think too hard about how awful it is…

Random stuff

Good news, all!  For months I was dealing with vomiting (well, dry heaving) every time my blood sugar got low.  With the reduction of my Geodon, it’s stopped.  I’m only getting nauseous if I start chain-smoking, which I’m trying not to do.

Quitting smoking was working great until the hallucinations started.  My psychiatrist told me it was a dumb idea to quit while in the middle of a medication change.  (I’m paraphrasing.  She’s much more polite than that.)  So I’m smoking until the switch to Abilify is complete.

I’m down to one Geodon a day, at night.  The first few days after the dose reduction on Friday were awful.  Like, I couldn’t drive after 2pm (my normal afternoon dose time, which was when I started feeling awful), and I felt suicidal one afternoon.  (Note: I knew I was feeling that way and told my sweetheart I shouldn’t be alone, rather than going home and hurting myself.  I’m quite proud of myself for that.)  But every day it’s been better, and yesterday I barely had any withdrawal symptoms.  So next week I’m going to tell my doctor I’m ready to get rid of the last dose and get off the med completely.  It’ll be another few days of hell, I’m sure, but it’s worth it.

I’m in the process of selling off about two-thirds of my fountain pen collection.  I just don’t use them.  I’m keeping several, but selling 19 of them.  Like, I love the idea of Pilot Vanishing Points, which are retractable at the click of a button.  But in practice they dry out way too quickly.  I own three.  I’m keeping one that was a gift, but selling the other two.  And I used to collect all the colors of Lamy Al-Stars, and some I’d never even inked.  I’m keeping a couple of favorites, but most of them have been posted for sale.

If I sell all the pens I’ll have a few hundred dollars to put towards my bills.  Yay!

Because of my brain weirdness, I’m not done with my commissioned art yet.  I’m hoping to wrap it up today.  I’ve been working on it a little, here and there, but my concentration was shot for a few days.

I had an idea for a tapestry.  Sweetheart has these earrings that are teardrop-shaped and have a design laced into them with thread.  I want to try doing an itty bitty tapestry on a weird metal shape like that.  Just for the experience.  I can’t see myself wanting to work on something that tiny very often, but it would be a fun experiment.

Knitting-wise, I’m almost finished with the second of a pair of dish towels for my sweetheart’s mother.  After that I’m going to whip up a couple more washcloths for my sweetie, then get to work on a sweater for myself.  I bought enough yarn to make myself a sweater a couple of years ago, and never got comfortable with the idea of knitting a whole cardigan in sport weight yarn for myself.  That’s a lot of knitting, and I never found a pattern I liked.  I realized something a couple of nights ago: I can knit it in the round and just steek it.  (Steeking, for those of you who don’t knit, is cutting a pullover sweater up the front to make it a cardigan.  Yes, it’s scary.  Yes, I’ve done it before, but only once.)  I own a sewing machine now.  I can sew two parallel rows of overlock stitching and then just cut between them.  Last time I steeked a sweater, I did it by hand and it was terrible.  I mean, it came out well, but the process was terrible.

Okay, done for the moment.  Later, y’all!