More of that anger

Shortly before I left my ex-wife, she was doing her usual thing if physically intimidating me until I started crying. This time I reached my hands out and just set my fists against her hips — she was standing in front of where I sat on the couch. I didn't hit her. I was just bracing myself for whatever she'd do next.

Next thing I knew she was acting traumatized and saying I was abusing her. Saying that because I no longer identified as a woman, I was a threat to her. (Note that her new circle of friends were constantly having a "who's the most damaged?" competition. I suppose she wanted to fit in.)

We talked after that. She said that she hadn't been abusing me all those years. She had just been angry and wanted to hurt me. I didn't say it, but I was flabbergasted. How could she not realize they were the same thing? I just said, "Oh, okay," and changed the subject.

What makes me really angry is that I'm sure she has told her friends that I was the abusive one. Simply because I'm not a woman, and because before I left she had developed a huge martyr complex. The only times I ever fought back was when she was already hurting me, and if I dared fight back she would get even angrier and retaliate. I'm sure I've somehow been turned into the awful one. Even though her own mother heard me crying and begging my ex to stop, repeatedly, back when we lived with her. Even though my local family and friends all witnessed the way I was being controlled. I'm the awful one.

My therapist still hasn't texted me. Gonna call her now…

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