Sexuality

I’m not going into explicit details.  Sorry.

Another blog flashback, to the end of 2015.  I thought I was possibly asexual, as I was always anorgasmic with partners.  Back then I wrote this about sex:

 I… don’t want any.  At least, not the kind involving a partner.  My libido is higher than it was when I was married, but if my sex toys make me this happy I don’t want to bother with anyone else.  At least, not right now.  Someday (hopefully very very far in the future) I imagine I’ll have feelings for someone and want to share my body with them, but sex for the sake of sex?  Toys.  Hands down.  I don’t know how to have sex with a partner where I don’t feel I have to perform, even with people I’ve enjoyed sleeping with.  And, frankly, I’m not interested in learning right now.  I’m enjoying being self-contained.  (Well, I’m dependent on vibrating things, but you know what I mean.)  Also, I have a very active fantasy life, and fantasy is always better than reality.  For one thing, I get to have the body I want.  Including a fully functional, working cock.  That’s not going to happen in my lifetime.

It turns out I needed the right partner.  When my sweetheart and I first got involved, it was solely a BDSM relationship.  Then it turned into a sexual one.  Then, finally, an emotional one.  We liked each other as friends immediately, but it turned into feelings, which startled the hell out of both of us.  (I found it a little disturbing at first, actually, having not wanted a relationship.  But she’s so worth it.)

So I can say I’ve now had a sexual relationship that was, at least in the beginning, purely for the sake of sex (and kink; the two have always gone together for me).  And it’s amazing what can happen with a partner I trust.  I don’t come every time, but I do orgasm with her.  Fairly often!  And we do a lot of… things.  And are planning even more… things.  When I fantasize it’s about doing things with her.  (Okay, I’m the submissive, so mostly I’m imagining her doing things to me.)  She is remarkably good at making my fantasies come true, too.  Even the really kinky ones.

So yeah, I was wrong about being able to completely give in to pleasure with a partner.  It just took finding the right one.  I’m amazed that I feel this sexual with her.  Like my old self but better, and wanting things for the right reasons.  I’m so glad to have been wrong…

Oh, and I meant to add:  I’ve gotten more comfortable with my body, too.  I still have the wrong one, and I still get dysphoric, but I’m more accepting of what I have.  It’s a nice feeling.

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