I don’t want to fall in love again in this lifetime. It’s not because I’m bitter. It’s because I don’t trust myself.
I have loved three men enough to live with them, one of which I married. The first and last were abusive. The second I chose deliberately because he was the exact opposite of the first one, and not even slightly intimidating. So when left to my own emotional judgment, I wind up with abusers. And the thing I hate myself for is that I was happy with them. Not when the abuse was happening, that part sucked, but for years with both of them I just shrugged it off and went back to waiting on them hand and foot. I wanted to make them happy, you see. I adored my ex-wife, up until the end, despite her terrorizing me into sobbing my eyes out and begging for her to stop, at least twice a week, for over a decade.
(One day, a few months before I left, I asked her about it, because she accused me of being abusive for trying to defend myself against her. ((Once she came out as trans she started accusing me of being abusive simply because I was no longer a woman and she had become one, and if I said anything even slightly critical it was “abuse”.)) She said, “I’m not being abusive, I just get angry and want to pick a fight.” Um. I played along like that was perfectly reasonable. The talk didn’t stop her from doing it again the next day.)
I’m so angry at myself for being happy with them. So angry that I willingly catered to their every whim because I wanted to please them. So angry that what finally drove me away in both cases was them replacing me with other women, not me leaving because they were hurting me. Angry that I brushed off what they were doing to me as nothing, or, even worse, my fault for not making them happy.
I don’t — can’t — trust myself to not repeat the experience. I’d like to think I’ve learned better, but at this point, if I’m attracted to someone, I assume the worst about them. (This goes for all genders; even the people who aren’t physically intimidating could still hurt me, because I seem to accept it as part of a relationship.)
There is something wrong with me. I guess it’s a good thing I start seeing a new therapist today…