I’ve had sex on the brain lately. Not just lusty thoughts, but… sexual philosophy? Like, I’ve been thinking about what might happen the next time I go to bed with a cisgender man (which is what I want right now), and I realized that I’ll be really interested in learning more about what my partner likes besides just… friction. Not in a submissive “let me please you” kind of way, but as equals. I’m more interested in learning a partner’s whole body and how we relate to each other physically and mentally in bed. I’m also not entirely sure what I like anymore, having not had sex beyond just fingering in years (and only a few times of that; my choice), so I’m interested in exploring my own reactions to stuff. I know some things I still want, but I need to re-learn my sexuality. Experiment.
I don’t know if this is a matter of age or gender transition or what. But I think it’s pretty cool. I’ve felt sexually pathetic for a decade, because my ex-wife and I weren’t very compatible in bed and I felt like a failure for it. Which is sad, since for years before that I was confident that I was a decent lover and rarely had any complaints (although I know I’ve always been crap at blowjobs, thanks to PTSD triggers from childhood sexual abuse). Now that I’m thinking about getting laid again (not dating, nothing romantic, just sex) I feel unsure about some things but confident that if I go to bed with somebody I can talk to, we can figure out how we work together. It’s not rocket science, after all, and as long as the guy isn’t a selfish prick then it’ll be fine. (And I respect myself enough to just leave if the guy’s being an asshole. I don’t need a lover, and I’m not going to put up with a bad attitude in or out of bed.)