I had never heard of Fanapt before my pdoc mentioned it this last Friday. I’m having a terrible time not calling it Fapfap. It’s another atypical antipsychotic. So exciting. I took my first dose last night. The only side effect so far is GI-related, but we’ll have to see what happens. Last night I was laying in bed and I started hearing what Westerners think of as traditional Middle Eastern music, and when I asked the girls if it was an iPhone game or something they told me there wasn’t actually any music playing. Why is it that when I hallucinate music it’s almost always like the stuff I used to belly dance to when I was a teenager? Which is great music, but why that and not Vivaldi or Philip Glass or some other instrumental styles? What I hear is really complex, too, at least two instruments and percussion. Bizarre.
Speaking of hallucinations, I had a weird visual one Friday night. It was like… Have you ever used the airbrush tool in Photoshop or GIMP? You drag the mouse and the look of the page changes. It was like reality was doing that, like columns of warped glass were invisibly falling and changing the way I saw the world in long vertical lines. I don’t know if I’m explaining it very well. It’s hard to be clear about something so surreal. It was kinda neat. I knew it wasn’t real, but it was interesting to watch and experience.
My symptoms about paper planners have gotten worse. (This is all before the new medicine, btw.) I became convinced that if I got myself a Filofax then everything in my head would get better. It’s magical thinking, and I was so caught up in it that the Valkyrie started to cry, she was so worried about me. I was in really, really bad shape yesterday. Like, laughing so hard I lost control of my bladder and then crying so hard I couldn’t speak. Today I’m better. Probably not medication related, but I don’t feel like snuggling my Filofax, which is a good sign. I’m still very sensitive to sounds and distractions, but I’m not having any magical thinking that I know of. So yay for that.
Being crazy fucking sucks.