Fuck gender, fuck everything.

I am not a man.  I’m not a woman either.  Just some fucking freak in the middle.  I realized this tonight when the Valkyrie and I were having… not an argument, but… she said something about me being a man and it just felt so wrong, I’m not her husband, just her fucked-up spouse…

We seem to be doing this thing lately, when I get upset she gets scared and lashes out verbally, and when she lashes out verbally I get severely triggered and have flashbacks to being talked to the same way by my abusive ex, and then I freak out and yell at her and she gets more scared…  It’s fucking awful and I don’t know how to make it better, I don’t like getting upset at her, but I keep getting upset because she’s accidentally triggering me so often so I’m on edge all the time because of the constant flashbacks and I don’t know how to break this awful cycle.  Seriously, I’ve been thinking about my abusive ex so much that I thought hard last night about looking him up on Facebook and seeing how he’s doing because he’s been on my mind so much.  It’s sick.  It’s not the Valkyrie’s fault, I just keep getting drawn deeper and deeper into those memories because I upset her and then get triggered, and she hasn’t done anything wrong and god I just want to stop thinking about my ex and all the horrible things he did to me.

I’m going to email my therapist now.  We have to find a way out of this…

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