I had a weird session with my therapist today. I was trying to explain a problem to her, and she just wasn’t getting it. So I’ll try to explain it here. If it’s coherent — and please, give me feedback, especially if you’re a cis-het person — I’ll send a version to my therapist.
Some humans are assholes. A percentage of those people are cisgender heterosexual men. This subset of assholes (a majority of whom are white here in America) have more power than the other subsets to make other humans miserable. Sexism is part of the fabric of our culture. It’s getting better, but it’s still there. I watch the women I’m close to experience this sexism, and so it’s on my mind pretty frequently.
I do not identify as a woman, but I identify with women. Do you see the difference? I see the sexism and I cringe. I get angry. It makes me dislike the fact that I am mostly masculine. (Mostly.) It’s hard to see the good in my masculinity when I see so many masculine people being utter douchebags. It doesn’t help that every time I go into an online space for trans men I see just as much misogyny as I do among cis-het men. There’s a lot of butching it up when trans guys get together, it seems, and it grosses me out a little.
Given the choice I’d rather be non-masculine. But I’m not going to deny my identity just because of douchebaggery. I’m transgender and non-binary. But I hate that I have that connection with assholes.
My therapist didn’t get this. She thought I should just ignore the sexism and focus on other things. I’m not focused on sexism, I just refuse to stick my head in the sand like she does. So we went around and around, and when the session was over I was even more frustrated.
The Valkyrie says I’m not guilty by association, that I can be responsible and point out sexism and not be an asshole. I try. I am generally aware of sexism when it happens, and I do what I can to fight it. But… yeah, I still don’t feel good about my identity. Sigh.