Rejecting masculinity

It’s funny.  I was self-defining as genderqueer since I came out, even though it didn’t feel quite right, simply because I dislike the cultural expectations for men.  Then something in my brain clicked over and I realized that I can identify male without buying into all that shit.  So I can be a guy, but a guy who likes Hello Kitty and squees over kitten pictures. It’s kind of freeing, really.  I feel more accepting of myself.  I feel happier because I’m not debating terminology with myself just because of how I appear.  I’m a dude.  Just a girly one.  If I had the body for it I’d totally go for the pretty boy androgynous glam look, all eyeliner and smooth skin.  Totally hot.

As far as cultural expectations go, I’m less likely to get clocked if my voice deepens on T.  I’m a big guy — six feet tall, broad shoulders — but I have a feminine voice unless I consciously work to sound stereotypically masculine.  So I get called “sir” until I open my mouth, at which point it’s “Sorry, ma’am.”  Ugh.  So a voice change would be welcome.

So in the next few months I’ll be on T and getting a hysterectomy.  The hysto is actually for medical reasons, as I’ve said in a previous post, but it certainly won’t hurt the gender thing.  Now, if I could just figure out how to pay for top surgery…

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