I am very concerned about fulfilling my desire to become a clinical social worker. For years I’ve kept hoping my mental states will get more stable as time goes on. They haven’t. The problems have gotten much less extreme, but on a day to day basis I cannot maintain a balanced state with any consistency. I’m assuming that this will not change. It’s been 14 fucking years. It gotten much better in intensity, but not in the variability. If I can’t be stable enough to focus on clients for a set period of hours every day, I can’t get a job as a therapist. Hell, I can’t get through grad school that way because of all the clinic hours required.
It could be that there are things I can do to mitigate the problem. That’s why I want to talk to my therapist. The Valkyrie also suggested I talk to her about how utterly weary I am of being mentally ill, about how I’m giving up on myself more easily lately. Maybe this way of thinking about my career is part of the giving up. I don’t know. So I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon. I hope it helps.
Today I was exhausted in general. At night I can’t fall asleep until two or so, and I’ve had to be up by 8:00 every day this week. Yeah, plenty of functional adults do way more than I do on way less sleep. But I am not functional, as much as I wish I was. So I’m worn out from going to Orlando to have lunch with the Naiad, seeing my psychiatrist, and running errands. I left the house at 9:30 and got home at 6:00… maybe I do deserve to be tired. I don’t know.
The Valkyrie met my psychiatrist today. V was seeing her for anxiety, so it was a double session. Which was awesome, I love my doc and was happy to hang out for a bit. They got along really well too. Before that we had lunch at Sonny’s with the Naiad and went to Sci Fi City (awesome gaming/comics shop). Not a bad day. Just a long one.
I’m hoping I can get to sleep early tonight, or sleep in tomorrow. Thankfully I don’t have to be anywhere until after noon…