Future outlook and a busy day

I am very concerned about fulfilling my desire to become a clinical social worker.  For years I’ve kept hoping my mental states will get more stable as time goes on.  They haven’t.  The problems have gotten much less extreme, but on a day to day basis I cannot maintain a balanced state with any consistency. I’m assuming that this will not change.  It’s been 14 fucking years.  It gotten much better in intensity, but not in the variability.  If I can’t be stable enough to focus on clients for a set period of hours every day, I can’t get a job as a therapist.  Hell, I can’t get through grad school that way because of all the clinic hours required.

It could be that there are things I can do to mitigate the problem.  That’s why I want to talk to my therapist.  The Valkyrie also suggested I talk to her about how utterly weary I am of being mentally ill, about how I’m giving up on myself more easily lately.  Maybe this way of thinking about my career is part of the giving up.  I don’t know.  So I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon.  I hope it helps.

Today I was exhausted in general.  At night I can’t fall asleep until two or so, and I’ve had to be up by 8:00 every day this week.  Yeah, plenty of functional adults do way more than I do on way less sleep.  But I am not functional, as much as I wish I was.  So I’m worn out from going to Orlando to have lunch with the Naiad, seeing my psychiatrist, and running errands.  I left the house at 9:30 and got home at 6:00… maybe I do deserve to be tired.  I don’t know.

The Valkyrie met my psychiatrist today.  V was seeing her for anxiety, so it was a double session.  Which was awesome, I love my doc and was happy to hang out for a bit.  They got along really well too.  Before that we had lunch at Sonny’s with the Naiad and went to Sci Fi City (awesome gaming/comics shop).  Not a bad day.  Just a long one.

I’m hoping I can get to sleep early tonight, or sleep in tomorrow.  Thankfully I don’t have to be anywhere until after noon…

2 thoughts on “Future outlook and a busy day

  1. Ian Avery

    Don’t compare yourself to other people because it always seems like others do twice as much. You do twice as much as me. Of course you were exhausted after such a busy day. Hopefully you’ll feel better after some sleep. As for the future, you might have to manage your job differently than a “muggle” would, but you also have more potential to help people because you understand mental illness first hand. You have some issues you’ll have to work around, but you have some really amazing gifts too that could really make a difference. Someday you might save somebody else from despair or even suicide. Even if you only save one life, you would be a hero and a life saver! Anyways, I think you are amazing. I tell people about you all the time. Don’t give up.

  2. Chaserooniedoodlebug

    You have already saved at least one life. Please continue to be inspirational with your love and wisdom. You have so much to offer, do not let your talents go unseen. Be kind and gentle to yourself, but always move Forward!


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