The Naiad stayed all weekend. It was really fun, the three of us just lounging around the den, playing video games and talking. She’s very sweet. Even MIL really likes her, and said so to my best friend (who usually gets the unvarnished truths and not the polite comments she gives me). There were also a lot of sexytimes for the Valkyrie and Naiad, some of which was done in front of me (much to my delight).
I had a couple of small freakouts, but the Naiad was not phased in the slightest. The Valkyrie got upset at something (for good reason) and again N was fine. And V and I had a minor quibble and N was shocked that that’s the extent of V’s and my arguing. She’s used to lots of screaming and drama. It was kind of sad, how very grateful she is for every little kindness we show her. I used to be like that, after four years with my abusive ex. Poor girl. She’s this weird combination of brassy no-nonsense intellectual who can tear apart any argument, and scared naive girl. I just want to hug her forever.
Sexytimes! The Naiad apparently fancies me a little. I’m not sure what to do about it. I can’t have sex without a shirt on because of dysphoria, and I’m not sure what I want to do with/to/for her. So I’m happy just watching them play around, for now. They’re very, very sexy together. Two pretty trans girls, both of whom are very kinky and like showing off. Oh, poor me, having to be around them. Hahaha. Although Saturday I felt like crap for a little while, and I fell asleep next to the two of them when they were getting it on. Very sad.
I had to drive N home at 5:30 this morning. I am so tired. And I probably gained 5 pounds today because of that damn Russell Stover outlet I posted about earlier. I want to sleep, but I still have to go back out to the pharmacy. *yawn*
Heads up to people traveling through central Florida: the Russell Stover outlet store, where the north end of the turnpike meets I-75 in Wildwood, has the best motherfucking fudge I have ever eaten in my life. For $12 you can get 6 pieces, which adds up to a pound and a half. I tried the praline, the peanut butter, and the maple walnut, and holy crap my mouth had so many foodorgasms that I wanted to drive back and eat the whole damn case. They have about a dozen flavors, ranging from the standard chocolate to things like caramel apple pie and pumpkin. It is all amazing. So don’t go there. Your waistline will not thank you.
(They also have all the RS and Whitmans candies cheap, including 3-pound boxes of “bloopers” — normal chocolates that came out slightly misshapen — for like $8. EVIL. EVIL, I tell you. Yeah, it’s not handmade Belgian chocolate, but it’s still chocolate.)
I am very concerned about fulfilling my desire to become a clinical social worker. For years I’ve kept hoping my mental states will get more stable as time goes on. They haven’t. The problems have gotten much less extreme, but on a day to day basis I cannot maintain a balanced state with any consistency. I’m assuming that this will not change. It’s been 14 fucking years. It gotten much better in intensity, but not in the variability. If I can’t be stable enough to focus on clients for a set period of hours every day, I can’t get a job as a therapist. Hell, I can’t get through grad school that way because of all the clinic hours required.
It could be that there are things I can do to mitigate the problem. That’s why I want to talk to my therapist. The Valkyrie also suggested I talk to her about how utterly weary I am of being mentally ill, about how I’m giving up on myself more easily lately. Maybe this way of thinking about my career is part of the giving up. I don’t know. So I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon. I hope it helps.
Today I was exhausted in general. At night I can’t fall asleep until two or so, and I’ve had to be up by 8:00 every day this week. Yeah, plenty of functional adults do way more than I do on way less sleep. But I am not functional, as much as I wish I was. So I’m worn out from going to Orlando to have lunch with the Naiad, seeing my psychiatrist, and running errands. I left the house at 9:30 and got home at 6:00… maybe I do deserve to be tired. I don’t know.
The Valkyrie met my psychiatrist today. V was seeing her for anxiety, so it was a double session. Which was awesome, I love my doc and was happy to hang out for a bit. They got along really well too. Before that we had lunch at Sonny’s with the Naiad and went to Sci Fi City (awesome gaming/comics shop). Not a bad day. Just a long one.
I’m hoping I can get to sleep early tonight, or sleep in tomorrow. Thankfully I don’t have to be anywhere until after noon…
Just spoke to the office manager at my gynecologist’s office. I told her about yesterday’s conversation and… she didn’t say anything at all negative about the woman (who, it turns out, is the triage nurse), but she did sound completely unsurprised. I got an “oh boy” and a resigned sort of sigh. I don’t think this is the first time she’s heard a complaint against this particular employee. The nurse will be spoken with, and the manager will talk to the doctor about it (and my hysto questions). I should get a call back tomorrow. The manager was extremely nice and I’m glad I had the guts to make the complaint. Now I hope I never, ever have to talk to the nurse again. Ever. I hate confrontations, even polite ones.
My MIL asked me what I want for Giftmas.
Enough for this pattern in my size, plus a little extra in case my estimations are wrong:
I think it will be an epic sweater.
I didn’t get much sleep because of driving the Naiad home at 5:30 this morning (*yawn*), and I was sick this weekend, but yesterday and this morning were awesome. The Naiad spent the night in the guest apartment with the Valkyrie, although the three of us hung out a bunch too. She is SO NICE. And she’s coming out of an abusive relationship and is so timid and I want to scoop her up and save her from the universe. And then shower her with presents because she has a beautiful smile and she deserves happiness. She’s totes adorbs. And I think she may be smarter than me, which is slightly intimidating but also makes her more interesting. She has a razor-sharp wit and a scientific mind and I maybe have a little bit of a crush on her myself. *blush*
My MIL is a little confused about the whole thing. She keeps asking me if I’m okay with it, and this morning I was all, “They’re just so CUTE together!” and she did the confused head tilt. But she loves rescuing strays, be they people or kittens, and she wants the Naiad to be safe and happy, although she says that if the V&N relationship ever starts breaking my heart they’re dead women. MIL is very protective of me and loves me like I’m her own, which is really sweet and I’m grateful for it. But I suspect everything is going to work out well, considering that MIL is nagging her to get out of her current situation and come live with us immediately. (The Naiad is remaining in her emotionally abusive ex’s home until January when the ex can afford child care, which is honorable but dangerous to N’s mental health. She works from home, so she minds the kids before and after school.)
I have homework to do. Later, internets!
I made sweater yarn!
The sweater won’t be this color, but I am absolutely delighted to find that three of my “default” singles, spun worsted style, make a perfect 3-ply light worsted weight yarn that is to motherfucking die for. (“Worsted” in knitting-speak is a yarn thickness. “Worsted” in spinning-speak is a description of the yarn’s construction. Confusing, I know.) It’s BFL wool, smooth but squishy and with excellent stitch definition, and holy mother of god the sweater I’m planning will be the comfiest thing ever if I can get gauge on just the right pattern.
I overplied it a bit to make it wear better. I’m going to knit up a swatch and stick it in my pants pockets for a week to see if it pills much or, worse, falls apart. Probably not, because it’s BFL, but I wanna make sure it’ll be okay before I spin a sweater quantity of yarn. It’s not so much the wasted effort I care about, because spinning is fun, but the wasted money would piss me off forever. That swatch is going to go through hell before I buy any wool for a sweater. When I hand wash it (a few times) I’m going to be a little rough (not felting levels of rough, just not being very gentle). And before that, when I wash the yarn I’m going to full it a little to make sure it’s even harder-wearing.
I won’t be doing this until after Giftmas, but it doesn’t hurt to start looking at patterns and thinking about colors, right? I want a cardigan. V-neck. Not raglan shoulders. I need to think about colors, too. Hmmm….
When I saw my gynecologist two months ago, she said I might want to consider a hysterectomy because I rarely have periods and can’t take hormones to fix it. She said to call her if I wanted it. I thought about it a lot, and decided yes. So I called Friday and left a message asking for a referral.
The woman who called me back today with the doctor’s name made me feel awful. Apparently the doc forgot our conversation and wrote the referral as being for transgender-related reasons and not medical. I told the office person about the medical conversation, and she didn’t believe me because the doc hadn’t put it in her notes. And then she started grilling me about why didn’t I use a gyn who lives near me (because I want one who knows about trans issues, dammit), and how I don’t really need a hysterectomy because I can take hormones, and then wouldn’t believe me when I said hormone changes have made me suicidal and psychotic in the past. Finally she said she’d talk to the doctor, but by that point I was crying because she was acting like I didn’t know what I was talking about. Note that this was an office worker, not a doctor, and she had no fucking right to behave like that on the telephone. Maybe I’m extra-sensitive because I didn’t get any sleep, but what the hell? I’m telling the doctor next time I go in. Fuck.
The Valkyrie went out on her first IRL date with her internet girlfriend today. Hmmmm, I need a moniker for the girlfriend. I think I’ll call her the Naiad. Neither of them drive, V because of her disability and N because she doesn’t know how yet. (We will be teaching her soon, though.) So I chauffeured. V and I picked her up (she lives an hour from us) and went to Panera Bread for lunch. I sat on the other side of the restaurant to give them some privacy, which was fine with me. I read my book and enjoyed my food. Every so often I’d glance over to see them deep in conversation, big smiles on their faces, and it made me so happy. The Naiad is really easy to get along with, and she gives good hugs, and I think the Valkyrie has good taste in partners (ahem).
Because we couldn’t go back to her place for reasons, we found a semi-secluded spot to park the car so they could make out. This led to the hilarious yet very sexy scene in which I was in the front seat playing lookout while two pretty girls got to third base in the backseat. Eventually there started to be people in the area, so they fixed their clothes and I drove around aimlessly for 45 minutes while they snuggled, made out, and cooed to each other. It was so fucking adorable. Sadly, she had to be home at a certain time, so when we dropped her off there was much kissing and angst over parting.
The Valkyrie has been on cloud nine all day, and to be honest I’ve been around cloud seven myself. Seeing my girl so happy makes me happy, and the two of them together are sweet and sexy and it was really comfortable. I didn’t think I’d be jealous, and I was relieved that there was no trace of it. Just delight for the Valkyrie’s romantic bliss. I’ve been poly since I was a teenager, but it’s never felt so right as it did today.
I have to go to her town for a meeting on Saturday morning. I might be picking her up and bringing her home for the weekend, if she can get the scheduling right. At any rate, I hope she can stay over soonish. We have a guest apartment, and the lovebirds could use some alone time. <3
A few months ago I posted on my favorite knitting forum that I wanted to make myself a cardigan. I got talked into using sport-weight yarn, which is fairly thin. I am a six foot tall guy with broad shoulders and (unfortunately) boobs. Why I listened to the forum members is beyond me. I tried five times to knit a sweater with it in the last week, and hated every one of them. Large-size patterns in that yarn weight are hard to come by, and I didn’t like them. So I tried designing my own and didn’t like that either. So fuck it, I’m going to sell the unused skeins. Because I am sick of trying. After I finish my Giftmas knitting I’ll make myself a sweater out of some worsted weight yarn, because there are a zillion of those patterns and they won’t take me twenty years to knit.
I am also kicking around the idea of making myself a handspun sweater. It’s not as huge an undertaking as it sounds, because I spin fast. It takes 1,700 to 2,000 yards of worsted weight yarn for a sweater in my size, depending on the pattern. I can make 200 yards in a day or two on my wheel. So I could easily spin up the yarn in less than a month. The hard part is keeping the yarn a consistent thickness. I can do that easily with my “default” yarn (the one I make without putting too much thought into it, as it’s muscle memory). That ranges between sport and DK, depending on a couple of factors. So I need to practice making worsted. I have a pound of commercially dyed merino I got cheap; maybe I’ll practice worsted with that. I’d like to get enough dyed BFL to make a sweater with that, but I haven’t found a source of inexpensive BFL and I don’t want to make a $150 sweater. I’ll keep an eye out, I guess. I’d need about a kilo of wool, according to my calculations. Crap, it’s going to be a $150 sweater, isn’t it? Shit.
UPDATE: A friend just inspired an idea — spin default singles, but do a 3-ply yarn instead of a 2-ply. Then my fingers will make consistent yarn without me having to monitor them for 2,000 yards. I didn’t think of that on my own because I’ve never done a 3-ply that wasn’t chain-plied. I’m going to try it with the current BFL I’m spinning to see if I get the yarn thickness I want!
Also, I found a place where I can get a kilo of BFL for $68. I’m investigating the quality before ordering, but I think I’m going to have a purple sweater sometime in the next few months…