I’m feeling sort of weird about gender stuff right now. I currently label myself as genderqueer even though I feel like a guy, because I’m different from the trans guys I see a lot online. I don’t want HRT, for example, even though I do want top surgery and feel wrong without my packer. Also, the horrible behaviors of so many cis men makes me not want to identify as a man because I don’t want to be seen as part of that. Most of the time I’m okay being just me, and screw labels, but it’s hard not fitting into a category sometimes.
I wish I had other trans guys to talk to about this. I know a total of three FAAB people who are masculine. Two of them are living as cis women and don’t use the word “transgender”. One is dealing with too much shit in her life to transition. The other is in the closet and staying there. The third person, who identifies as trans, is the spouse of a friend and doesn’t really seem to want to talk about this stuff. I’ve approached him but got a very lukewarm response.
I’ve tried looking for FTM communities online, and either they’ve been abandoned, or else are completely public (like Susan’s Place). I found this comic tonight, and even though I’ve only read a little so far, it’s been a little spark of “me too” and it made me feel lonely for others of my kind. I envy the Valkyrie. She’s part of this huge network of trans women who are feminists and activists. There’s a monthly support group an hour away, but my therapist (whom I trust) has warned me away from it because it’s apparently Drama Central and not actually supportive.
I’ll stop there before I get whiny. If any trans dudes are reading this, say hi…