Monthly Archives: October 2014

Medication Roulette, part #72648392

Talked to my psychiatrist yesterday.  She said stop taking the Latuda.  So I didn’t take one this morning.  Now I’m depressed and hallucinating.  Fucking hell.

Tomorrow morning I have my first meeting with my professor.  Hope I can keep it together for that.  She knows I’m mentally ill, but I don’t want her to kick me out of the class because I appear too crazy…

Not doing so well…

Last Thursday morning I added Latuda to my medication regime, as prescribed the previous day by my doctor.  Since then I’ve been sinking back into depression, and it’s unpleasant.  With a lot of psych meds the side effects go away after a couple of weeks, so I’m staying on it a little while longer to see if things improve.  Obviously I’m going to quit if I get suicidal!  But hopefully that won’t be an issue.

In addition, I seem to be developing a UTI, so tomorrow I’ll be going to the doctor.

I feel like shit and I’m avoiding my friends and it really blows.  I just want to feel normal again, or at least my version of normal.

In other news:

— Saturday I took my niece to our hometown’s Pride celebration.  Middle school lesbian drama is hilarious, I am sad to say.  Awesome Niece hugged a friend we ran into, and the friend’s girlfriend got jealous, and I did a really good job of not cracking up.  We had a good time, though.  I got the Valkyrie a trans pride bracelet a friend was selling at her booth.  After the celebration we stopped at a popsicle restaurant nearby.  They have dozens of flavors, many of which are pureed fruit bars.  I had a strawberry basil and it was amazing.  Then we met up with my mom for lunch at a little bistro.  Tempeh sandwich with granny apples, goat cheese, and spinach.  My hometown has the best food!

— I’m enrolled in school and will be meeting up with my professor on Friday to make plans.  I’m happy about this.

— I’ve started knitting a sweater for myself.  I deserve one.  Not sure if I’ll stick with the pattern I’m using, though.  It’s kind of annoying me.  Maybe I’ll make one to match the one I made a friend last winter.  I liked that pattern.

I hurt and I’m said and I’m going back to bed.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Testing testosterone

I told my doctor that PCOS runs in my family and could he check my testosterone?  He said sure, he’d test me for it and do the whole PCOS panel.  He knows why I was asking, I could tell, and he was cool with it.  And PCOS does run in my family.  Test results back this week.  I’m just curious, since I’m built like a cis guy except for the sex bits.  I’ll let y’all know.

Maybe labels do matter a little.

I’m feeling sort of weird about gender stuff right now. I currently label myself as genderqueer even though I feel like a guy, because I’m different from the trans guys I see a lot online. I don’t want HRT, for example, even though I do want top surgery and feel wrong without my packer. Also, the horrible behaviors of so many cis men makes me not want to identify as a man because I don’t want to be seen as part of that. Most of the time I’m okay being just me, and screw labels, but it’s hard not fitting into a category sometimes.

I wish I had other trans guys to talk to about this.  I know a total of three FAAB people who are masculine.  Two of them are living as cis women and don’t use the word “transgender”.  One is dealing with too much shit in her life to transition.  The other is in the closet and staying there.  The third person, who identifies as trans, is the spouse of a friend and doesn’t really seem to want to talk about this stuff.  I’ve approached him but got a very lukewarm response.

I’ve tried looking for FTM communities online, and either they’ve been abandoned, or else are completely public (like Susan’s Place).  I found this comic tonight, and even though I’ve only read a little so far, it’s been a little spark of “me too” and it made me feel lonely for others of my kind.  I envy the Valkyrie.  She’s part of this huge network of trans women who are feminists and activists.  There’s a monthly support group an hour away, but my therapist (whom I trust) has warned me away from it because it’s apparently Drama Central and not actually supportive.

I’ll stop there before I get whiny.  If any trans dudes are reading this, say hi…

Poor Eris…

I was furious at my MIL this morning. Still am. She left the house about 9am. I didn’t see Eris for a bit, but she has hiding spots she likes to nap in occasionally. At 11:30 I went downstairs to get some water, and she was sitting outside the porch window. OUTSIDE IT. The moment we saw each other she started wailing. I dashed out to get her. She couldn’t figure out how to jump to me — she was too upset — and I reached over the hedge and grabbed her. She clung to me for deal life and kept wailing until I got her inside. I sat down on the floor with her right inside the door and petted her and she had the most desperate purr going, like OH GOD DADDY YOU SAVED ME YOU’RE MY HERO PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME GO BACK OUT THERE. I took her upstairs and put her in the Valkyrie’s arms, because V always makes her feel safe. She did the same desperate purr. My poor sweetheart. She has returned to her normal self, just cuddlier, and she runs away from the front door every time it opens.

When MIL got home I let her have it. She swore she didn’t let Eris out, but she was the only person to open any doors this morning. But then she never accepts blame for anything, and never apologizes when she’s fucked up. I’m still mad. I am so fucking lucky that Eris didn’t go wandering. We live on a lake, and there are cottonmouth snakes next to the water and huge hawks and something really bad could have happened even just on our half-acre.

Yeah, I’m still mad…

Busy fucking day!

Wake up early.  Shower.  Breakfast with a friend (local donut place; butterscotch donuts are amazing). Home for a few minutes.  Post office.  2 hours at the doctor’s office (just to get a new thyroid script, FFS).  Vet (for kitty meds as the babbies had tapeworms).  Pick up lunch.  Home for a quick bite.  Craft store.  Pet store.  Grocery store.  Home.  Put away groceries.  Take care of Valkyrie.  Make soup in crock pot.  Spend 45 minutes attempting tech support for BFF (I failed, sadly).

So tired…  I’m going to watch a video on how colors work in weaving and then sleep for a year.

Couple of random things I wanted to mention:

Superpretzel frozen pretzels, when warmed, taste fucking awesome when dipped in salsa con queso.  I did not eat healthy today.  Do not care.

I would not ride a motorcycle, because I would kill myself.  I would totally ride a trike, though.  Don’t care if they’re silly.  They look fun.  And less deadly.

Blurry, grainy photos terrify me.  Like this one:

I don’t know why.  I am also terrified by faceless people.  This explains why grainy Photoshopped pictures of Slender Man make me outright panic.  I hate Slender Man.  Even when the Valkyrie jokes about Mark Slenderman, Tax Attorney.  Because faceless lawyers are even worse.  Fitting, but worse.

I’m going to download some historical banned books from Project Gutenberg, inspired by this article from the Stuff You Missed in History Class podcast.  (I love that show.)  I’ve read a few of them, but not most.  I think I’ll start with The Well of Loneliness, because yay queer literature.

Okay, video then bed.  Or maybe just bed.

Spanish Peacock spindles

Oh.  Ohhhhhh.  Oh yessss.

Spanish Peacock Spindles

(Photo by the Spanish Peacock)

That skeleton top whorl?  It’s like the spinning part of my brain had an orgasm.  It spins like a dream and rotates forever and it feels wonderful in the hand.  Using it is a near-religious experience.

The other is a Tibetan-style supported spindle.  I’m still learning to use it, but I’m enjoying it so far.  It fits wonderfully into my pencil box, along with a matching lap bowl (from another vendor; bought it before I ever heard of the Peacock) and some fiber.

Tibetan supported spindle in my Hello Kitty pencil box.

It’s a Hello Kitty box.  Leave me to my self-delusion that I bought it because it was the only box the right size.

Hello Kitty travel spinning box

My only worry is that I’ll break them.  But I will be careful, because I adore them!

Gender, sex, and psych meds

I’m lactating.  Left tit only.  I think it’s because I accidentally went off my thyroid meds for a few days.  Antipsychotics can cause lactation, and I’ve had that problem before (on Risperdal), but it hasn’t happened since I went on thyroid meds.  It’s strange enough on its own, but add in gender dysphoria and… ugh.

This inspired me to write about two things: breasts, and thyroid.  Thyroid first, because it’s shorter.

What happened with my thyroid pills: Every Sunday I fill up a 7-day pill case.  I didn’t have enough levothyroxine for the whole week, so I called my pharmacy.  I had no refills, but they said they’d call the doctor.  And then Tuesday was the Valkyrie’s surgery, and I just forgot until the weekend.  And I slept most of the weekend.  And most of yesterday.  And until 2pm today.  The Valkyrie got angry when I told her I was out, which is reasonable.  She sent me off to the pharmacy and I got four pills, enough to last me until the doctor appointment I made for Thursday.  I took one, which may explain why I’m wide awake and have been Getting Shit Done: cleaning, doing a ton off my to-do list, and even cleaning out my email in-box.  Woo!

Now, for the less fun topic: boobs.  And sex.  Two things that go great together for most people who aren’t gay dudes, unless you’re transmasculine and desperately want top surgery.  I had to touch my left nipple to check out the lactation, and it reminded me of the last time I deliberately handled my tits for any length of time.

If you don’t want to know anything about my sex life, stop reading here.

About a year and a half ago I took up with a cute little submissive boy who lived in Canada.  It was Skype-only, and it was fun in the beginning, but…  He was bi.  And I believed he thought of me as a guy.  But when we fooled around on camera I wound up playing the female role, and touching myself as if I liked my girl parts.  I wasn’t doing it for fun, I wanted to turn him on.  And that’s part of why I broke it off.  I don’t know how to sexually relate to men as a non-female person, and trying really upset me.  Relating to women is pretty easy.  It’s frustrating, though, because I’m attracted to men too, and a lot of my fantasies involve cis guys (well, cis guy bodies, anyway; I don’t usually fantasize about particular people).  It would be nice to have a fuck buddy or casual boyfriend, but he would have to be very, very understanding, and be willing to help me figure out exactly what I want.  Just thinking about it feels weird, even though I like dick.  Maybe someday…

Too much to do, too crazy to do it

I’ve been in pretty bad shape the last few days.  It sucks.  I haven’t been depressed, thankfully, but I’ve been seeing things that aren’t there and having weird thoughts.

My Woolee Winder arrived yesterday, supposedly fixed.  But now it won’t screw into my wheel.  Maybe the maker replaced the shaft and the one he used is too small?  It just flops around in the hole instead of screwing in.  I emailed the maker about it.  Should heard something tomorrow.

On Friday I decided to go ahead and start spinning some singles, which I could then ply with the WW.  But since I can’t do that, I’m plying with the Ashford standard flyer instead.  I may have to have a knot in the middle of the skein because I’ll be joining two (small) bobbins’ worth of yarn, but that’s acceptable.  I’ve got four ounces of finished yarn ready to skein, and I’m almost done with the singles from another braid, and I skeined up some other stuff…  I had to quit because my treadling leg was getting sore.  Got a lot done though.

I still haven’t warped for the Log Cabin scarf.  Need to do that tomorrow.  Also tomorrow, I need to get registered for school…

I have a very long to-do list but get so overwhelmed when I look at it that I run back to spinning because it’s soothing.  Otherwise I start panicking.  Ugh.

How I’m doing

I haven’t been blogging much, because things have been fairly calm lately.  I’ve been in pretty good shape, mentally.  Occasional blips of weird feelings and minor hallucinations, but for the most part I’ve been happy and productive and enjoying myself.  I’m working on getting stuff straightened out to resume my education when the new semester starts in two weeks, too.

Crafting stuff:

— I finished the houndstooth scarf I was making.  Just needs the fringe tied and a wet-finishing.  I’m hoping to mail it to Sam Luke (Hatchworth in Steam-Powered Giraffe) on Friday.  It was somewhat difficult to make.  The houndstooth pattern itself isn’t hard, but beating each pick evenly so all the checks are the same size is difficult.  I had to reweave some sections because of that.  But it turned out great.  Hope Sam likes it.  I realized as I was on the last pick of the scarf that oh yeah, it’s wool and he’s vegan, but I asked him about it on Twitter and he said it’s fine.  Awesome.

— Made slippers for myself.  They were too small, so I gave them to BFF and knit myself a larger pair.

— I finished Awesome Niece’s pride shawl.  she adored it.

— Knit a cowl and two scarves from handspun.  They’re quite nice.  I’m doing another scarf from handspun right now.

I haven’t been spinning, because the babbies (who are doing wonderfully, even though I was mean and had them neutered last week) knocked over my wheel a couple of weeks ago and it bent my Woolee Winder shaft.  I didn’t have the money to send it off for repairs until last week, so all my spinning has been on spindles.  I’m enjoying it, but I miss my wheel.


— I’m reading Alden Amos’ Big Book of Handspinning.  It’s a very dense, technical book about the entire spinning process, but the author has a wonderful sense of humor.  He wore these great, hilarious footnotes, and sometimes makes snarky comments in the text itself.  It makes the book that much better.

— Speaking of hilarious, Cory O’Brien’s Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes is the best retelling of myths that I’ve ever seen.  I’ve been crying with laughter at several points in the book, and I only just finished chapter two.  O’Brien is the genius behind Myths Retold, and…  Seriously.  Go look.  Right now.

— I’ve finished book three of Charles Stross’ Laundry Files series.  Great fun.

I think that’s everything for now.  I’ll try to post more often…