Brain trust (or lack thereof)

I’m feeling really down on myself right now.  Actually, it never really stopped.  Crushing pessimism, that everything is going to go wrong and I’m just an annoyance and upset everyone.  Note: I am not fishing for reassurance.  I know my friends love me and that few people in this world feel that I’m just another crazy person.  I’m aware that my emotions are off-kilter, and Rational Brain knows that what Depressed Brain is telling me over and over again isn’t true.  (Well, mostly.)  The feelings are so strong, though, that it’s overwhelming sometimes.  I’ve said before, these things feel true even if at the same time I know they aren’t.

I’ve had a couple of bouts of paranoia over the last week.  When I tell people I’ve had paranoid episodes it’s like shoving my crazy in their faces, especially when I say what the paranoia was about.  It seems like tinfoil and straitjacket time, even though the feelings aren’t frequent and don’t last more than an hour.  Paranoia doesn’t make me act weird, usually, it just makes me seriously worried and sometimes scared.  But I’m afraid to talk about it because I’m ashamed.  I know it’s not my fault I have these thoughts sometimes.  I know I do everything right to keep my illness under control as much as possible.  But I still feel too crazy and new friends will back away slowly if they know what I deal with.  Or maybe that’s paranoia again.  I don’t know.  I can’t trust my brain.

I emailed my psychiatrist and my therapist.  That’s all I can do, that and take my meds.  Please don’t think badly of me.  I’m trying my best.

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